Natsu Yao (Finished)

[Guest]

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CASE FILE: Alchemist/Alkahestrist/Amestrian Militant

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~"<3 Forgive and Forget <3"~

        FULL NAME:
        → Natsu Yao

        AGE:
        → 19

      SEX:
        → Female

        BIRTH PLACE:
        → Xing

        RACE:
        → Xingese

        DATE OF BIRTH:
        → Jan 23

        ...........................................................................

        HEIGHT:
        → 6' 0''

        WEIGHT:
        → 125 lbs

        PICTURE:
        →

Spoiler:

      DESCRIPTION:
        → Natsu has long black hair, its usually in a ponytail. Her bangs are over and nest to her eyes. she has large brown eyes and has a peach skin coloring. She wears a green long sleeve dress with yellow and black in some areas. She wears white pants under her dress. Natsu is usually seen with a bamboo hat either on her head or hanging around her neck, she has a soft voice.

        ...........................................................................

.
        PERSONALITY:
        → Natsu is a quiet loyal person. She loves to train and or spar. She loves giant pandas because ther cute and cuddly. Natsu loves the winter season because its so calming and quiet, she will not wear dresses or skirts unless on rare ocassions. She cant go a day without training or sparing, if she does she becomes super grumpy.
Natsu wears her bamboo hat when on missions or during sparring, she says it hides her identity and it makes her feel more comfortable. Natsu barley ever yells or talk back, she never disobeys a order unless its critaclly needed. She has secret crushes on some of the sons in the royal family.
        LOVE:
        → She loves Pandas
* Training, sparing, and being a bodygaurd
* Drawing manga
* rice, miso soup, and bamboo shoots
* earth colors and "mystical colors" (red, black, dark blue, gray, etc.)


        HATE:
        → She hates coconut
* Bullies
* Anyone who insults xing, the emperor, pandas.
* People who use there powers for wrong
* Easter colors (pink and yellow -doesnt hate but dosent like)

        DEEPEST SECRET:
        → Is scared of being so weak that in battle she will lose and loses her loved ones.

      IDOL:
        → Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Ling Yao, Lan Fan.

        ...........................................................................

        HISTORY:
        → Natsu grew up with the xingese royal famliy, shes a princess. She secretly trained while looking like a boy. See she wasnt allowed to train since she was girl, she was always told "trainings for men, flower arangings for women". Natsu didnt like that, so she pulled her hair back and put her bamboo hat on and secretly trained, only her close brother knew she did this. Natsu was 10 when she first started trainig.
As she grew she became more independant in her training, shes now 15 and began sparing with her brothers and her body gaurd. One day natsu went out for a walk and saw a street fight, she decided to try to brake it up. In the process she gained a long scar down her back from her top right shoulder to her left thigh. After that she vowed to herself that shed get stronger and to gain control over the country to keep peace.
Natsu turned 15 on Jan 23 and was able to leave Xing and explore the world. She went to Amestris and is now a State Alchemist. She currently lives in east Amestris, and is a colonel. She has posses fire alchemy and is almost a master at alkahestery. Shes seen plenty of blood shed in her time, she seeks more information on the philosepher stone and idols Ling Yao and Lan Fan/Foo. She also is a master of the ways of the sword.

        ...........................................................................

      TRIVIA:
        → She speaks/writes Xingese and English.

        ...........................................................................

        ALIAS:
        → Koi

        OTHER CHARACTERS:
        → My first Character

      CREATOR'S COMMENTS:
        → N/A

        FACE CLAIM:

Code:

[b]SERIES/ARTIST[/b]/[i]character[/i]

Taiwan/Hetalia/Natsu Yao

      CUSTOM RANK:
        → Colonel

      OFFICIAL TITLE:
        → The Angelic Demon.

[center]       

[Guest]

Is this ready for judgement?

[Guest]

oh sorry yai forgot to put finished

[Guest]

REVISE

1] For starters: you've copied the template code wrong and it's all messed up. Rectify this by recopying the code as is in the template.

2] Include year in Date of Birth.

3] Change the topic title to "Yao, Natsu".

4] "My profile pic..." won't suffice. Include an ACTUAL picture in there. Don't be lazy.

5] Description is only 73 words. Needs to be 150.

6] Personality is only 113 words. Needs to be 300.

7] History is only 242 words. Needs to be 450.

8] Please paragraph when you post blocks of text to make it easier to read. Separate each paragraph with a line break.

9] Being that this ISN'T set in the FMA universe, it's set 100 years after, it's not likely she'd know all of those, and it seems that you've designed her to have known them all personally more than anything else. No. You can't know Ling. You can't know Ed. They can't be your best buddies. It doesn't happen.

10] How did she learn of the Philosopher's Stone? This needs to be mentioned. Even then it's an overdone plot point I'd advise removing - plus, Philosopher's Stones can be created, there isn't just a singular one.

11]

Natsu turned 15 on Jan 23 and was able to leave Xing and explore the world. She went to Amestris and is now a State Alchemist.

You can't be a State Alchemist until you're level 2.

12]

She currently lives in east Amestris, and is a colonel.

East City has been destroyed.

13]

She has posses fire alchemy and is almost a master at alkahestery.

She can only have one branch of alchemy OR alkahestry. So this is far too wide of an ability basis for a level one character. Alchemy OR alkahestry. Remove this from the application's header. And fire alchemy is banned. More light will be shed on this in your transmutation app.

14] She won't be Colonel. Regular soldiers are only Enlisted, equivalent to Private, and you can't start as Colonel. Remove this from your history and change your Custom Rank.

15] Colour your languages and show the codes, like so: Xingese (orange) and Amestrian (jade)

16] How has a nineteen year old who's been travelling for four years mastered herself in the way of the sword when swords are obsolete weapons that the modern military don't use and you haven't anywhere noted her learning how to use it? Remove this.

17] This app is riddled with spelling and punctuation errors. Please run it through a spellchecker.

In short: I'm going to ask you to go and read ALL the rules, ALL the FAQs, and ALL the information threads heavily before making another shot. This seems like your own fan-fic insert - this is not FMA. This is MDA. A totally different universe in a totally different era only loosely taking from the source material. Please take this into account.

[Guest]

Archive date is the 16th.

[Reila Tsukino]

archived, let me know if you want this back to work on!

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