Silver Katsuo Uchia (WIP again)

[Guest]

Code:

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CASE FILE: Chimerae

"If You think Positive You'll Live Positive"
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FULL NAME:
→ Silver Katsuo Uchiha

AGE:
→ 25

SEX:
→ Male

BIRTH PLACE:
→ Craka, Amestris

RACE/SPECIES:
→ Human: Half Amestrian Half Aerugese
Dog: German Shepard

GENERATION:
→ Generation 4

DATE OF BIRTH:
→ December 27th A capricorn

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HEIGHT:
→ 178cm aka 5'10".

WEIGHT:
→ 77.1107029 kg aka 170lbs.

PICTURE:
→

Spoiler:

DESCRIPTION:
→ My hair is the color of purest white snow, neither because I am an albino, nor because I am an Ishvallan. Every morning after I wake up and take a shower: I put a slight part in my hair and comb my long bangs, and for the most part I try to keep it in order. I have golden eyes, as a result due to being turned into a Chimera. Sometimes I like to put in my red contacts to pose as an albino, because I don't want a lot of people to question my white hair.

My skin is pale white -with my hair color, I often get mistaken for an albino- but I don't have a sickly look. I proudly stand at one hundred and seventy-eight centimeters tall, with a lean but toned body that is seventy-seven kilograms heavy. The only scar on my entire body is on the base of my left arm, where metal meets flesh: My automail. It is a steel prosthetic that I have most (if not all) control over, and it is about the same size (if not perfectly) as my right arm of flesh.

I'll like wearing single color/unicolor and loose-fitting clothes, but I hate wearing any type of jeans. I am an ambidextrous person but I prefer using my left hand. Although, I do write with my metal arm. I'll like wearing single color/unicolor and loose-fitting clothes, but I hate wearing any type of jeans. Also, I have very keen senses of smell, hearing, and sight. I carry my katana on my back, because it's more convenient.

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PERSONALITY:
→ I am an optimist, and I try completely ignoring the negative things in life, instead I try turning them into positive things. I like thinking positively in every scenario even if it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I always try telling the truth in every situation mainly because I dislike lying.
I am a very firm believer in God

If I see someone getting bullied, mugged, beat up, or really any violent crime I will usually come over and confront the attacker and try to help out the victim out any way I can. I am a very sensitive person some times, and I tend to over react in certian situations. I try my hardest not to blame my self for failures, but if I mess up bad enough or someone close to me dies I do.

LOVE:
→ Dogs, Meat, chewing on bones when I'm stressed, my katana, alchemy (even though I don't practice it), automail, my friends, my country, and my life, Albinos, other chimera's, blood, Amestris

HATE:
→ Cats, high pitched noises i.e.dog whistles, vegges, being called a dog even though I'm part one.


IDOL:
→ My Creator (although I don't remember much of him) Chimera (my creators dog used in my creation), and Kyo Hayate Wakahisa (My creators Best friend also the human used in my creation).

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HISTORY:
→ I do not know much about my history, but I do know my creator is amestrian. His best canine friend he used in my creation name was Chimera, the human he used was his closest friend, his name was Kyo Hayate Wakahisa, he could have choose any member from his family but most of his family did not want to be a part of his alchemy, not because they did not admire his work, but because most of them valued their lives to much to give it up just to be a part of his alchemy transmutation to create a second generation chimera. For some unknown reason my creator was very fond of chimeras ever since he was a little kid.
My Creator was pretty much born in to alchemy his great grand parents, which I guess might make them my great great grand parents? "I remember My creator told me he used Kyo in the creation of me because of his last name, Wakahisa, which is Aerugese for everlasting, my guess Is that he thinks that I'll live forever, and his best canine friend, what was his name, AH it was Chimera after his favorite type of "animal". I have wanted to visit again, after he let me out into the world after a few years of him showing everything I need to know in this world to live on my own and succeed (I never wanted to leave him and I asked over and over to let me stay, but he said that it was my time to go and he taught me everything he knew) my creator, but he went missing shortly after my creation(I still do not Know what happened to him after 7 years). My Creator made me a katana a few years after my creation, mainly to defend my self if I ever got into "trouble"; it was my first weapon and I still use it to this day. I'm Very Skilled with using my katana, its made of Pure Silver, that is one of the two reasons I decided to name my self Silver; the other is I wanted to take an amestrian name, because I am half amestrian. My Creator never wanted me to have a language barrier problem so he taught me: Cretan(I was already fluent in amestrian and Aeruguese). I was created on Monday December 27th, 2005 in an Underground building in Craka, Amestris Deep underground.
The folowing is The Last day I spent with my creator, and the day I met Mr.Green
Silver: Silver walked over to his Creator and once again thanked him for creating him. "What are you tea--..." he sniffed the air. "Wait... Something's not right, Creator. There is an unfamiliar scent in the air, and..." he sniffed the air once more. "It also smells like a magnum gun. I smell trouble lurking.
J. Silberschmied (my Creators name): The moment his prized creation mentioned an unfamiliar scent, the scientist almost dropped his tea. After hearing the knock on the door, he turned to the fruits of his labor. "Silver... g-go see who it is, at the door, I mean..."

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TRIVIA:
→ I speak Amestrian, Aerugese, and Cretan
My Middle name is auergese for Victory; Hero.
My Creator's favorite things were chimeras his dog his family and alchemy.
My favorite colors are: White, Gold, Silver, and Red
I owe 5,154,240 Cenz To Dachen Greene to Replace my left arm for automail
I can understand a dogs mood perfectly
When im Aerugo or an Aerugese dominant place I go by my Aerugese name Katsuo Uchia.

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ALIAS:
→ Silver, Katsuo (pronounced katsu), and Sasuke

OTHER CHARACTERS:
→ Nobody.

CREATOR'S COMMENTS:
→ none really execpt I like chimeras


CUSTOM RANK:
→ Automail Master

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[Guest]

REVISE

- There are no kings in Amestris, and King Bradley was Fuhrer President, Fuhrer being his military rank, and President being his civilian role, as King Bradley is his name. Doubt he'd personally to see an Alchemist make Chimera when he has others more proficient at the job.
- Please double your history and personality, and spell check, make grammar checks, and make it easier for us to read it. Thank you.
- Cretan is spelled as Cretan, not Createn. And Aerugese is not Aeruguesse, it's Aerugese.
- Having Chimerization in 1904 done is a heavily frowned upon practice in humans, ESPECIALLY normal people. The military would've done the whole recruitment of Chimera secretly if it involved humans, otherwise Chimerization is restricted to animals for research purposes strictly.
- You're not allowed to be born in Resembool, also change any details about a facility being underground Resembool. Military presence in the town would have been obvious, and top secret research facilities should be closer to military presence than civilian presence in better camouflaged areas, such as forests or mountains. Change your username also to fit your character's name.

[Guest]

Im ready for re-rereview

[Shula Brighton]

{REVISE}

This app still needs a lot of help, Silver. First and foremost, as it's been mentioned in the cbox a lot, the majority of players at MDA are writers; that said, grammar, captitalization, spelling and punctuation count for a lot in RP. It's not "im," it's "I'm." "It's" is not the same word as "its;" they have two different meanings end uses entirely. Their, there, and they're are also entirely different words and used differently. If a word is a contraction, it gets an apostrophe. Everybody has typos here and there, but the writing and use of basic rules of English are inconsistent throughout your entire app.

Race/Species:
-"almost Obnoxious sense of Loyality, Keen sense of smell, hearing and vision at night." Those are personality and physical descriptions. Put them in their respective places, please.

Weight
-125lbs. Even if you are the lightest bone frame, have no muscle mass, and are a twig, if you are 5'10" and only 125lbs, you would probably be either very sickly or in the hospital. Even at the lightest, the smallest healthy weight for that height for a boy is 145lbs, and that's at him being a toothpick.

Description:

"-i style it just like in my picture," does not cut it. Describe it. The picture gives us a general outline for how you look, yes, but the reason there is a written description to go along with that picture is to give the other members a more complete visualization of the person they would be interacting with. Is his hair just naturally scruffy, or does he actually style it that way on purpose every day? The details may seem pointless, but they make for both a better read and a better RP.
"I sound normal for an 18 year old dog chimera" That tells us nothing. Everyone has different inflections and patterns in their voices. Is his voice high-pitched? Gravelly? Is he a tenor, a bass?
"When I am around friends i usually like making them laugh, even if it means making a fool out of my self. On occasions I some of the dog side traits slip through i.e. if I'm eating and somebody tries to take it I will growl loudly." These are personality traits, not physical characteristics. It goes there instead; as such, you need to increase your description section to meet the minimum requirements.

You said he wears whatever his mood calls for, but black is too hot and white is his favourite colour. Okay, so what DOES he like to wear? Jeans, tee shirts, kilts?

Deepest Secret:
-If you haven't got one, just delete that line entirely, please.

History: 304
- Leaving your run-on sentences alone, my major complaint is that your history is more about your character's creator than your character himself. It's fine that you put thought into why the creator was into chimeras and referenceing that they've been in the business for years, but it has nothing really to do with Silver's history. Bradley was Furher President in 1904, not "Old West" times, and the references to the characters from the show have nothing to do with why your character exists as those people have been dead for a long time.
-You also state "if I remember correctly," and that you remember him using his friend and the dog. But they were individuals before you were created, and therefore, did not exist; you cannot remember something you weren't there for. And did the creator just feel the need to tell him all about his family's long-standing need to fuse people and animals for the last hundred or more years? Otherwise, how does he know these things? You also state that it's all you know about your creator's history, but again, this whole section including Bradley is over a hundred years ago and is the creator's great-great grandparents, not the creator himself. Removing the middle paragraph from the history as it's not even about the character, your history only comes up to 304 words; if you want to leave it in, you will need to write an additional 146 words about Silver's history to make it count. Not the creator's history or the creator's family; Silver's.
-The dog is Amestrian?
-The last paragraph makes no sense. First you say the creator went missing shortly after Silver was made, and then you say he made Silver a sword and trained him to speak multiple languages a few years after he was made. Which is it? Did he teach Silver and THEN go missing? You also put missing in quotations, leading oen to believe that Silver killed the creator; if that's the case, say so. If not, clarify. Also, using silver as a medium for a weapon is very pretty, but will bend and break in a fight, which was why even kings didn't use gold and silver for fighting weapons. Furthermore, he fused his friend and his dog and made Silver 18 years ago because.... why? Yes, yes, you said he's into chimeras and his whole family does it, got that. That still doesn't really explain it. Furthermore, with your ago, was the friend 18 when Silver was made? A child? Making a chimera isn't making a baby in a petri dish; it will not turn the age counter to zero to restart the aging process. If the friend was 18 when he was fused with the dog and it's been 18 years since 1993, the resulting chimera would be 36, not 18. You need to think about this and take it into consideration.
-On top of everything else, the history also doesn't explain how Silver got out; was he released or did he run away? WHY did the creator give him a weapon and train him with it and to speak 5 languages? It fails to explain how and why he left, where he's been for how long, WHY is he out in the world... anything. really.

Trivia:
-Again, it's Cretan, not Creatan. It's Aerugese, not Auerguesse.
-Eyes will not randomly change colour in combat nor any other random action. Remove this.
-Eye do not change according to mood. You are not a mood ring.
-You cannot speak and understand "animal speech." You may understand dogs better than a human would and understand, but that does not mean you will be able to just telepathically talk to squirrels, snakes, wombats or any other animal.


I'm not going to tell you to scrap it entirely, but you really need to do some heavy-character thinking and revise this. For days you've been asking members of the forum who are all good writers to read, review and give you help, but when help is given, it's not taken well or rejected. A lot of this doesn't make a lot of sense and fails to answer who, what, where, when, why and how; it gives those things fleeting glances, but doesn't explain or answer any of them, leaving the app confusing and full of holes. You may want to consider writing the history in third person descriptive rather than first person so you can cover the information that Silver wouldn't know about himself. Try again, and please take into consideration the revisions needed, as well as the advice and help people have been and are trying to give you.

[Guest]

REVISE

- Description is still too short. Extend it. Put three dozen words at least. You need 150 words.
- Still... running short on your history. Extend it more. You have about 330 words, you need 450 words. Also! It's not Aeruguesse, it's AERUGESE. Note the capitalized letters. It's in your history and you should brush up on that.
- May you please actually write your history in Microsoft word? You need to work on your grammar, for your own sake. As well as the rest of the application to measure the word count.
- In your personality, please don't go too deeply into discussing your likes and dislikes just to fill the wordcount. It's fine if you mention it but trying to enthuse in it fully defeats the purpose of explaining about your character. It's not a place to place your likes or dislikes heavily so.
- The forum's current year is 2012, if you were born in 2005 C.E., then that should make you 7. And in your age, it says 25. You have a history fart right there, best fix it.
- Erm... alright, you may understand a dog's mood, but not the language. If it was panicked or not, pick up the smaller nuances. Tweak that up for now.

[Guest]

i forgot to put wip back sorry. and i dont have word on my computer yet. I havent gotten the money yet, and i cant seem to find any Free grammar checkers that work Ready for re-re-re-review, Shula.

[Dai]

R E V I S E

Well, well, well. Since this app has been so much trouble for our other staff, I decided to have a look at it myself. Firstly; welcome to MDA~

Now; let us begin.

• I'm going to start with the way that you've written your description. Yes, it has fulfilled the 150 word requirement, however there are a couple of problems.

  My style of clothing is well how do I say this um let's just say I prefer one solid color and T-shirts.

  N-no, just no. We allow for 1st person descriptions within applications, however this is just waffle for no specific reason than to add words. I'd appreciate it if you would remove these waffle-ish statements and replace them with something pertaining to your character itself, please.
  • (I like it its my favorite color)
    
  • My style of clothing is well how do I say this um let's just say I prefer one solid color and T-shirts.
  
  
  
• To continue with our theme of "Description", I'm going to point out the fact that albinism doesn't give golden eyes. In fact, albinism will usually take away the color from the eyes of the sufferer, adding eye problems to that as well, even if they're a dog chimera.
  
  
• Again, your personality has more waffle and fluff.

  Well, considering that I am a 2nd generation dog Chimera I tend to have a Dog like behavior when I am put in certain scenarios.

  Although it explains it, it seems more like you're attempting to fill a word count rather than actually describe personality.
  
  

• (Basic Alchemy is my freaking favorite type of alchemy, fire alchemy come in 2nd I have always loved fire I do not know if it was the brightness, if it was the heat, or the sheer power of fire and alkesthry is in 3rd I have enjoyed watching alkesthrists working on healing people)

  Remove this and change it to something else, please. You can put these into the likes section itself, you can use this fluffed-up space for something more pertaining to character.
  
  

• Chimera (my creators dog used in my creation), and Kyo Hayate Wakahisa (My creators Best friend also the human used in my creation).

  It states specifically in the app that you can't use yourself. These are the parts of you, therefore they are still yourself. Please remove this.
  
  
• Oh, to help with the fact that you don't quite have enough in the description of appearance, let me guide you to our Chimera Guide. The Generation 2 Chimerae have more defined animal traits, so use that to your advantage. I dunno, add markings on his face or something. Something that actually shows that he's half German Shepard.
  
  
• Fix the color in your history. You've screwed up some coding in there. Though I have to wonder why a Chimera would be openly interviewed. I sincerely see no reason why some reporter would seek out a recently-created Chimera in Resembool, especially for the purpose of an interview. There are more plausible targets; please provide better reasoning.
  
  
• Although the idea of Silver's Creator having a debt to the mob is good, you should probably define it a bit better. It's just a bit 'cut-and-dry'.
  
  

• that is one of the two reasons I decided to name my self Silver; the other is I wanted to take an amestrian name, because I am half amestrian.

  Silver... is not an Amestrian name. In case you didn't realize, Amestris is the proxy to Germany. (You should know this if you'd read/watched it.) So if you wanted to name yourself in Amestrian, you'd be likely to name yourself Silber (Which is the German word for Silver).
  
  
• You're also going to have to work on your Spelling and Grammar. Honestly, this is atrocious, especially for someone at your age. You should look at working on it; we can help you out with this, though you should also really try and get into writing as a hobby. If you write something like a short story every so often in Microsoft Word and get other people to read it, they'll be able to assist you in your proof reading. You have a good concept here, but you just need to work at your grammar.
  
  

• My Ears tell my mood.

  Does this insinuate that he has dog ears? If so, add it in!
  
  

• I can understand "dog language"

  Yerg. Work at this a little. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dog_communication#Vocalizations Dogs don't actually 'speak', per se. Instead, they use a variety of noises and body movements. Therefore, understanding "dog language" instead means that you're more likely to be able to understand the meaning behind these body language moments.
  
  

• CREATOR'S COMMENTS:
  → I become the character so thats why I always use 1st Person!

  Just an FYI: We RP in third person here, so you'll have to work at posting like that. You're welcome to write an application in first person, but please keep that within the application.
  
  
• As a final point in this section: I've run this character through the "Mary-Sue Litmus Test". I received a score of 26, which defines as:

  Some definite Sue-like tendancies here. A little polishing might be in order to put original fiction and RPG characters back into the balance, especially if Kirking is involved. Fanfiction characters should probably have some work done.

  I would give his personality a fix-up, if I were you.
  
  
• Kyo Hayate Wakahisa, right? Is that man fully Aerugese or half-Amestrian, half-Aerugese? Specify this properly, please.

You think I'm done? Far from. Now, I shall rip your history to shreds.

• His best canine friend he used in my creation name was Chimera, the human he used was his closest friend, his name was Kyo Hayate Wakahisa, he could have choose any member from his family but most of his family did not want to be a part of his alchemy, not because they did not admire his work, but because most of them valued their lives to much to give it up just to be a part of his alchemy transmutation to create a second generation chimera.

  Two things.
  • That is an EIGHTY-SEVEN WORD SENTENCE. I'm going to ask you to fix these damn run-ons, they can make reading a headache.
    
  • Now, this is telling me that they'd be giving up their lives. I'm going to stop you here and ask if you know exactly what would happen if you created a Chimera. In the basest sense, they keep their identity, knowledge of their name, everything of that kind. However, they gain animalistic traits. Therefore, these people would not have lost their lives, just their total grasp of humanity. This means that your character's name should actually be Kyo Hayate Wakahisa and he'd remember most of Kyo's history. I can understand if he somehow got amnesia, though I wouldn't really think it to be plausible.
  
  
  

• "I remember My creator told me he used Kyo in the creation of me because of his last name, Wakahisa, which is Aerugese for everlasting, my guess Is that he thinks that I'll live forever, and his best canine friend, what was his name, AH it was Chimera after his favorite type of "animal".

  Again, remember to fix run-ons. Also, you'll need to remove this bit since creating a Chimera does not suddenly remove memories. Finally, look at the end of it. You've gone into the world of waffle again, trying to get word count as opposed to actual relevant things.
  
  

• I'm Very Skilled with using my katana, its made of Pure Silver

  You obviously know nothing about Silver. On the Mohs scale of hardness, silver is at approximately 2.5. Steel is at 4.5. Silver is a quarter of the strength of NORMAL steel. You couldn't use pure silver as a weapon even if you willed it to stay straight.
  
  

• My Creator never wanted me to have a language barrier problem so he taught me: Cretan(I was already fluent in amestrian and Aeruguese).

  In how many years was he taught this, just asking?
  
  

• (I still do not Know what happened to him after 7 years)

  Just nitpicking: Six years. He was created in December 2005, so 6 years. December 2012 hasn't occurred yet. XD
  
  
• Now, I don't like this interview. It seems like it's just a way to fill space. It's badly-written and filled to the brim with waffle. If you want to do an interview, make it more relevant and attempt to properly explain the questions. They seem like normal things to me. Also, are you saying that your "Creator" is actually well-known? Explain that a bit better.
  
  

• the reason Silver's Creator Released him into the world was because he owed alot of money to the mob and he released Silver into the world so he would be safe from harm. I futher investigated that his creator was murdered by the mob for not paying back the money on time, so they said he went missing. Why? Mainly as to Spare Silver's feeling's; He'd never forgive himself if he had found out the truth.

  This works, just flesh it out a bit more, since it seems like a bit of a drastic reason for no real end.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. This a great concept, but it's plagued by many really bad oversights. We'll help you as best we can, but you need to do a lot of thinking on this. Maybe you should watch and attempt to understand the 2003 series of FMA before watching Brotherhood. It'll help, trust me. And don't think that we're doing this to be mean or anything, we're doing this to help you, even if it doesn't seem that way. I hope you can work at this and join our community properly~ :3

~Dai

[Reila Tsukino]

Archiving. PM for it back.

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