Dai's Journal...

[Dai]

September 7, 2010

Argh... I can't take it much longer...

We're supposed to be shipping out to Central today, and yet I can't get her out of head. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know there's some unwritten rule about it, something that pretty much says that you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, or make pleasure part of your business, but I really don't know. I can't began to describe how confused I am.

I mean, I'm prepared for today. Mentally and physically... I think. Killing Father... It's a tough ask. But what if one of us were to die today? I wouldn't be able to contain my grief. I shouldn't be thinking about this, but I can't not think about it. I just can't. It's as if all that's in my head is Reila, Reila, Reila, and I can't do anything about it!

Maybe I should just bite the bullet. Yeah, thinking about it, that sounds like a good idea now. But what if... what if my hunch is wrong. Reila's a good friend of mine, and if anything were to happen to that friendship... It's not something to think about. No, maybe I should just tell her. No more hiding from it.

If we get through this -- No, when we get through this, after Father's lifeless body hits the ground, I'm telling her. I'm gonna tell Reila Tsukino that I love her.

I'll make sure of it.

[Dai]

Right now, I'm not sure where my head's at. I'm writing these words carefully and specifically, trying to put as much of the truth into them as I can. I will make one thing clear - maybe these mental blocks won't affect my writing.

I am completely and totally in love with Reila, and I am completely devoted to this woman and her happiness. That much I know. It's not just something I think, I'm sure of it. As for everything else, even though I know it's not true, my mind's telling me that everything's my fault. The very fact that I can write these words truthfully is proof that it only affects my vocal thoughts, the ones that I bring up and cause to leave my mouth.

I think those mind tricks haven't been broken. The ones that made me forgo my ties with Briggs internally, the ones that I thought had gone. Yeah, those ones. Maybe I still had lingering doubt in my mind, I don't know. But that original doubt is gone, and yet it remains. Honestly, I don't understand it myself. I need to tell her the truth. If I don't, then I might lose her forever, and Mura and Xan might lose her too. I have acted like I don't care, recently. That's a lie. Everything these days is a lie, even to myself, it seems. But for some reason, this comes naturally; I believe these words like nothing else. Feelings are eternal, it seems, and I chuckle at the thought.

Because it's what saved me last time. And it's why I could feel like I did, despite everything. Because he never got to my heart. Even if my mind isn't my own, I can rest assured about my heart, so that makes me glad that I can write this without feeling like this is wrong, like everything else that's happening. I think that's the big problem here, I'm thinking about everything too hard. So I'll stop thinking about it, and trust my instincts. I can worry about getting over this slump when I know Reila's at least friends with me again.

Because if I lose her completely... I don't know. I don't even know. That would be the stupidest decision that I ever made, and the worst possibility for me.