Cross My Heart

[Shula Brighton]

{Continued from Come Undone }

Spoiler:

It was already dark when the green Canterham had cruised into South's massive city limits, the newly set highway smooth and dark in the still-developing areas as they drove toward the southwestern shore of the lake. The area was coming along nicely, even though it was impossible to tell in the dark, leaving the blanket of stars from the Milky Way to reflect in the dark waters below. They'd stopped only once, just for a moment so Shula could run into South HQ to raid her desk for her house keys. It was so quiet in the halls, only a skeletal staff running things and mounting the paperwork on her desk like a growing monster. Shula saw the stack, grabbed her keys and ran back to the running Womanizer Mobile and directing Spade to her loft.

She'd hardly had a chance to live in it long enough to run a load of laundry before she'd left with all the military to a suicide war. It had been built on a high platform to overlook the lake like a nest, and made by her mother's family who'd come from the Ishval settlements. Uncle Pasha had done quite a lot in his weeks at South, helping several shops get off the ground and establish trade in the area, which was part of why so many had been flocking to the area. Trade meant work, work meant money, money meant survival. Shula let out a tired sigh as she headed up the stairs ahead of Spade, walking up the long flight to the landing, unlocking her door quietly. “It isn't big, but... Welcome to my new place. Much better than the hotel room I was staying in.” She pushed the door open and stepped inside, turning on a light. The loft was wide and open, and carried a smell of new plywood and salvaged carpet, and fresh paint that had dried completely but not aired enough due to the lack of anyone being home to open the windows. Tall windows lined the walls, giving a wide view of the sparkling black water.

Shula fidgeted slightly as she waited for Spade to come in, and ducked her head slightly out the door once he had. Check left, check right, down and above. Okay, she didn't see anyone. She pulled back, glancing around again before shutting the door quietly, taking a moment to do up the eight locks she'd asked for specifically. Most homes had a lock in the knob and the deadbolt, and then sometimes had a chain lock up higher. A series of locks, bolts and chains dressed the edge of the door from top to bottom, the peephole set low enough in the door that she could actually see through it. Her fingers lingered on the last lock before she pulled away from it. Tired and hungry as she was, she wished she and Spade were still out driving, or staying in some other city, or that he had some place of his own that nobody knew of yet they could have gone. Shula loved her new loft. Loved the view and openness, and how much light the massive windows promised to give and that her mother's family did it as a kindness to their youngest sister's last living child. But even though it was much smaller and better suited to someone Shula's size than the big townhouse in Central had been, it was still so empty with just her in it. And being alone in this house had only made her feel uncomfortable since she knew she was never truly alone.

A small breath exhaled through her nose as she tried to swallow her unease and the questions galloping through her mind. She carefully undid the sling that held her arm and aching shoulder, silently lamenting that no relief would come even with her happy, lovely pain meds, and unzipped her hoodie. “Go ahead and make yourself comfy, Spade. There's a standing shower in that bathroom right there if you want one, and there should be a towel in there; if not in there, there's definitely a few clean ones above the washer.” Shula's mind and heart were buzzing still, a million and one thoughts racing through her as she tried to shake off everything that had been eating at her soul and weighing it down like wet wool. The last few days had just been far, far too much. Dinner cooked in her own little kitchen with her mismatched pots and dishes, and then a night sleeping in her own bed. That sounded glorious. She could just sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until everything went away or just let her sleep fore-- Acra... Guilt tugged in the pit of her stomach as she moved to raid her very empty pantry. ”Dinner won't be spectacular, but it's better than base food.”

[Spade Aeries]

He had thought that maybe their hands were glued together. Being usually aloof when holding a girl's hand, something like that would be horrifying, but... It was normal; it came naturally. He had never really thought much of it before and always let go when he needed his hand, but... whether he needed it or not, he had no choice but to hold on. Hold on so you don't lose her. That kiss didn't mean nothing. He kept telling himself--kept trying to turn the volume down in his head, but more and more thoughts were rushing in. Right now was about the time when he woke up in the hospital straight out of the emergency room. It had been his first time waking up in a hospital. Now, well, now he was used to that shit. Then, he had nearly had a neural breakdown. Actually, he had...resulting in the confusion over Frank Summers. Frank Summers...that bastard. He had to go and die before Spade shot him--before Spade even managed to pay off his damn tab at the bar. Those bombs... They had ruined lives, ended lives, but they had also done what Spade himself could not do; they had ended the sad story of Spade Aeries' life. He told Alisa that he got his name from winning at too many card games, but that was a lie. It was a lie. Only Shula knew the truth now, and only Spade knew the ending.

His Ishvallan came back, but his hand didn't have the glue on it anymore. Instead, he stared blankly ahead as if at any moment he would fall asleep. Finding a parking space that Spade approved of was work, but eventually the Womanizer Mobile was safely tucked away and laced with landmines. Spade hardly remembered walking to her apartment or through the door until he was suddenly hit with the smell of fresh paint. It made him want a cigarette. Oh, he wanted one so damn bad. But his lighter was fucking missing. No doubt lost somewhere in the snow. Wars should have Lost & Founds. Fuck that shit. He flopped down onto a random cream-colored sofa and sighed. It should be leather. Leather would have gone better. But leather wasn't as comfortable, well, it had to be worn in. Like his couch back at his pl--"Holy shit I'm homeless."--his couch that used to be at his place--when his place wasn't a pile of ruble--was worn in to perfection. That couch...he'd miss it. Spade had strange attachments to things. He didn't bother judging himself; he already knew he was fucked up.

"Dinner won't be spectacular, but it's better than base food." Base food? Oh. The shit they were feeding people in the tents? Yeah... it was like borderline gruel. It made Spade more than thankful that he had a nice, shiny Creig bank account with years and years of unspent pay building up in it. Couldn't trust Amestrian banks. And since the bombs, ...thank god he was a genius. "Kay." He slid down the couch and sprawled out on his back, kicking off his boots, and hanging upside down to stare at the blank television screen. Curly locks of sunbleached brown cascaded down out of his face. Tangling a hand in his part, he pushed it further away from his forehead and held it there, thinking. Shula Brighton was cooking him dinner. Of all the times she had brought him food before, this was new. It was so new he wasn't really catching up. He was about to be overlapped by the slowest fatass in the class and he really didn't give two shits. He just stared and let the blood rush to his head so maybe he would stop feeling so lightheaded. The bullet wound in his shoulder was starting to ache. The pain was muddling his thoughts... Green eyes slid closed and he let another sigh pass his lips. This was too relaxing--way too relaxing. He should be helping. Do something chivalrous and Spadelike. This...this wasn't very Spadelike; he knew it. But...it was gripping him--the memories...the pain. He clenched his teeth and felt as each and every breath he pulled in also pulled at the bandages in just the slightest way. Just that small motion was enough to send him reeling off the deep end. If...he could just reach in his pocket for the fucking pain killers... No, he couldn't move... Ask Shu? No, she was busy. It took too much effort to speak. Laying here...just like this...was all he could do. The Great Spade Aeries, defeated by a shotgun and a beautiful woman who didn't even know how beautiful she really was.

[Shula Brighton]

The noises coming from the little open kitchen were soft and quiet, Shula too tired to even hum like she would. She was cooking. She almost always hummed when she cooked, but right now the only songs that drifted through her head were the sad Ishvallan lullabies from so many decades ago. Her heart was too weighed right now to sing, even though a terrified, happy thought raced between her heart like a hummingbird trapped in a tiny confined space. Spade... no, Sakuya had kissed her. It was warm and forceful, stolen her breath and made her dizzy. It was wonderful. But she'd surprised herself in that when he released her she had returned the gesture, even though it was nowhere near as deep or passionate as his. Shula dug through her fridge, knowing she really needed to hit the market soon and had nothing fresh handy. Food. She'd think about food, and making dinner, and getting them settled for the night and....

”Holy shit, I'm homeless.” Shula paused, digging out a packet of ground meat from her freezer; pretty much one of the only things in it right now. But that statement... It wasn't really something profound, and not really much of a conversation starter, and was something being said by millions in the country still. Homes in South were being built faster than anywhere else, but there were still so many even here still in pup tents. Shula popped the meat into the microwave to thaw quickly, then opened a drawer to dig for a long, thin packet.

”I know you can't commute between South and Central daily,” Shula said as she pulled out a stick of incense and a small lighter. The incense was jammed into a small brass holder on the bar-table, the lighter making soft, distinct clicking noises as it lit before Shula let out a small puff to extinguish it. ”But you can crash here when you need to while you find a new place. I was planning on getting extra keys made to give to you and Csilla and Acra. So...” You promised you'd visit me lots... Please don't leave me alone here. She swallowed the thought, watching Spade go become friends with the sofa whose butt-dents and comfy spots still had to be reworked to fit her. On the bright side, it folded out to a bed. Not a very comfortable one, but a bed. She went quiet as she let her brain shut itself off and focus on dinner. There was one school of thought that insisted you needed eggs and breadcrumbs and buns to make burgers. According to Shu, you needed meat. Period. And wads of quasi-warm mixed ground beef and leftover ground lamb were being smooshed together into thick cakes to fry slowly.

Spade had gone quiet too, and she half-wondered if he'd fallen asleep or was just thinking too much; she'd accuse him of thinking too much and pin it to a burning smell of grinding gears, but the smell of frying meat was overpowering everything in her immediate zone. She didn't have any bread for buns, or onions to fry up with them... oh well. There would be other meals, and even a few hours away, Spade, Csilla and friends from work had always liked coming to her place to eat before. That wouldn't change. And that thought tugged a small smile in the corners of her mouth, allowing her breath to exhale as a tired, tuneless hum. Shula was letting herself put things that would torture and bother her away for just a little while and let her exist as herself for a bit.

Soft, warm fingertips brushed down Spade's cheek several minutes later, food cooked and Shula know kneeling on her haunches beside her half upside-down boss. Boss, friend, rescuer, comforter, drinking buddy... ”You'll pop your stitches laying like that.” Her voice was soft and quiet, the tone something between tired and affectionate. Caring was the word. ”Burgers are ready... You need me to check your dressings first or get you some pain pills?” A wounded man was laying in an awkward, unnatural and uncomfortable position. His face had been scrunched a moment ago and he didn't look like he was rolling in flowers. Shu's fingers brushed his cheek again before pulling her hand away, moving to help him up carefully.

[Spade Aeries]

He heard it and it meant so much more to him than anyone would think. As he lay there, backwards like a homeless child having never learned how to properly sit in a chair, Spade Aeries realized something. Filled with incense wafting from the kitchen, he cracked open jaded eyes the color of trampled spring grass. The first thing he saw was Shula Brighton. He was seeing now, but for so long he had been averting his eyes from the truth. The truth...was a frightening thing. It was. She knew it too--they both knew it, and that was why they had been tiptoeing around each other for so long. Wasn't it apparent already, dragging to the forefront of both their minds, kicking and screaming. This pain he was feeling now was a tinge of comfort, staining his clothes crimson-brown, and making him feel grounded. No, this wasn't just another nightmare; it was really happening. Blinking a few times, he repeated her words again in his head, scrutinizing every inflection of her voice--the tone, the pitch, the enthusiasm. It was sound. "...you can crash here when you need to while you find a new place." She meant it. No, she was not only telling him of his ability to crash there; she was also telling him that she wanted him to. Worry? No. Sympathy? No. Spade sensed it there--through her eyes, brimming out of her soft fingertips that dragged willingly down his cheek however perspired it was.

He turned his head, trying to focus on her face. Her lips were moving again, but he felt as if he were no longer part of this scene. Spade was watching it on mute, ears blasting a high tone of horror movie music at its climax, except he wasn't afraid. He was lucky he could read lips. A smirk skittered onto his face, skin pulling into a capturement of pure bliss. Something about stitches, burgers, and pills. Sounded like a plan. But near the end, his vision was blurring, causing him to miss some discreet movements. The world was spinning... To him, he could feel the small churns of it on its axis, going, going, going. It never stopped. He kept blinking, wondering when his eyes would stop opening. Her touch lingered and lingered and was still there, suddenly making him realize that he was being pulled up. A chill filtered down his spine and he suddenly came back to himself as if coming back from a long journey. Finally, he let his feet slip down from the back rest and his body turn the right way. Hearing the rush of blood leave his head, it left him also with that light-headed purr. The smirk went from his face and he took a deep breath, trying not to let on the fact that surely something went wrong with the bullet wound in his shoulder. He couldn't tell--didn't want to know. Instead, he spun his arms around her neck, burying his face in her shoulder. In this moment of weakness, Spade knew what he was doing. Despite being a wreck, he was used to it enough to plan his actions out in extravagant contemplation.

"I love you, Shu."

An unplanned pause. He nearly gave way to the searing torture in his arm, making him wonder if maybe it was infected--if maybe he hadn't paid it enough mind. Shit. If he couldn't even properly fend for himself regardless of the circumstances, how could he possibly ever look out for her? Acra. That was a man he had told to look after Shu. That same man had nearly died at his expense. Again, again...more lives were lost, spent, taken, stripped like a hot dancer on a pole, batting eyelashes that were fake. It was a game--a game that he was so used to playing that it no longer even hurt. He was so used to constant suffering that...he just went on. Right now, he was sober. Right now, he didn't even have tobacco staining his lungs. Why? Why? Hadn't he killed Shirley? This day... How easy would it be to move his hands to her neck, squeeze, and end it right there. End this weakness--this potential agony whose hair smelled so fresh that war couldn't even taint it with the reeking of gunpowder. Hah, it was nearly funny how morbid his own thoughts could be. He sat back in a large velvet chair, chuckling splendidly at himself as he cracked and fell into nothing. This...this was a different kind of war--one that Spade Aeries didn't know how to fight. Pretending love was easy. Flitting lady-killer smiles was the easiest thing in the world: melting hearts--whispering sweet nothings without realizing that there was also someone that he yelled bitter everythings to.

But his own thoughts were something to be feared. Used couch. Previous owners had a cat. Cat wasn't allowed on the couch, but liked to rub up against the bottom of it. Couch was covered with plastic for a long time before being resold. The plastic was made by a company in East City. Couch came from South City before the crater. One experience--a look, a breath, a touch, and he knew. No one noticed. He did. Another reason why Spade hated being sober. When he had a couple hundred drinks, life was good, he could be joyful and forget the pain, he could overlook things and go on without knowing that the stripper's tattoo was actually a bruise. It was a great waste of his talents, but something that spared him his sanity, which was dripping away now and soaking into the sticky bandages... He let go, pulling away and staring listlessly at the wall as if it were a movie screen listing the exploits of a certain detective.

"Tell me you love me too."

[Shula Brighton]

Spade was helped upright, the blood rushing back from his head to the rest of his body. Really, that man. She knew he was hurting deeper than his surface wounds; they would heal as they always would. But Spade's ghosts ate at him she also knew, and it was like because one gave him a pain he couldn't heal internally it was as though he didn't care about the physical wounds. He had given one ghost to her to keep now, but Shirley wasn't the only one who kept Spade from peace all the time. Just most of it. But Shu could only do so much for his ghosts, even though they kept him drinking and smoking with the hope of killing himself. She knew that secret, too. He had confessed it to her as he held her in that hospital room and openly showed her all his cards to expose the amazing bluff that was Sakuya's mask. He wanted to die to escape his ghosts and finally stop the hurting, but couldn't seem to be killed or to kill himself, and was waiting for his body to fall apart from his vices.

Spade pulled her close suddenly, wrapping his arms around her neck and burying his face in her shoulder. This wasn't the mask called Spade. This wasn't the detective Sakuya who died at the hands of his lover. This was a man who was destroying himself and who needed a reason not to. Shula's fingers went to his hair, combing through silky brown curls and petting the back of his shoulder very gently.

"I love you, Shu."

Her cheeks flushed darkly as her heart skipped, feeling her stomach knot and go weightless all at once. She didn't think he would say those words again, not out loud. They were too strong. They were such simple words, and yet they carried so much weight and danger, but at the same time were so freeing and tempting. Love was something of a frightening new world to Shula. Growing up had been so rigid when it came to love utside of stories and poetry. She had been told to remain chaste and dedicate herself to Ishvalla since she wasn't fit for marriage. Now taht she was miraculously cured, her mother's family had been pressuring her to marry and have sons, especially with Aaron's passing. Harij was a nice boy and his family was one that would take care of her, but those options were the only ones she'd been given to choose from. Love wasn't something discussed or offered in her choices, even though she knew it really should have been.

Shula held Spade, petting soothingly and making no attempt to push him away. He loved her, she knew, against rules plainly stated in the military's code of conduct; especially now that they were both running bases. And, against what her family would have liked and was alos against military policy, she had a sweetheart that she was pretty sure also loved her, if not really REALLY liked her. If she chose now, she would lose out and hurt someone regardless, even if one was trapped in darkness and beyond reach.

Spade pulled away on his own, still sitting on her sofa and looking through her. She couldn't tell if he was staring at the wall so he could distance himself and brace his heart or because looking at her meant he was looking into himself at the same time. Tell me you love me too." So... He had been bracing for impact after all. The mask was still off and he was baring his heart for her to either take or give back, possibly to give it the final knife wound it could take. His hands cup your cheeks or play with your hair, but his heart is in your teeth, Bright Eyes. She was being put on the spot and that wasn't a fair move, ot right now while they were both hurting so badly from so much. But he'd made his move, and she had to make hers as best she could. Shula drew in a deep breath, stepping closer to him so that her legs touched the cough as her arms reached out for Spade, grasping gently and pulling him back to her body. She swallowed hard, trying to force herself to be brave on something she didn't fully understand.

Spade's ear was pressed to the center of Shula's chest as her hand delicately covered his other ear. She breathed in and out slowly, letting the sound seep in. He would hear it; the steadiness of her breath, the rushing of the blood inside her body, the strong beating of her heart. Her cheeks burned pink, but she didn't care right now; right now, this was a gift to someone who had fully exposed himself in the deepest sense repeatedly to her. He had done this to comfort her, and even though he didn't need comfort right now in the same way she had, he still needed it, and moreover she needed Spade to hear her. To hear and feel that unshakeable thing that seemed to bind their wrists. Shula stood there a long moment, silently holding Spade her captive as she gave him her beating heart before she finally breathed in again to speak at last. "You know that Ishvallans believe in reincarnation," she said gently, finally letting go of his ear without pulling her body away from him, just in case he wanted to stay there. "The soul comes back at least seven times in this world, or more, until you have learned the lessons you need to be complete and pass on to the next. Our bodies and physical names change... But there is a name that each of us carries into each lifetime. We don't always know it or remember it, but it is always there and never changes."

Shula trembled slightly, pulling away to lower her head to lean closer to Spade's ear, almost as though afraid anyone else were nearby to hear it. Not all Ishvallans believed in some of the older things like this, and even those who did didn't always know their own names; Shula had learned hers through devotional meditation and actively looking for it as she looked for herself. Her arms moved to Spade's shoulders, her lips breathing against his ear in a trembling whisper. "Kyahr." It was a name with no meaning. A sound, soft and simple. Something that was so light and yet held complete power over the Ishvallan with its power. Kyahr was the summation of Shula's entire being. Her breath held as she lingered there near his ear. Spade had bared his heart for her, and she'd just exposed her soul's essence to him.

[Spade Aeries]

A pair of booblets went well with a glass of scotch, Spade thought as his face was pressed comfortably into them. Oh, this was the first time he felt Shu's other than those few times he hugged her. Nice to meet you, he cooed to them telepathically. This was much closer than he had ever expected to be to them and...well, it was comforting. Along with the steady rumble of her heart beat, he felt his eyes sliding closed. The slight spin in his head slowed and the world took a steady breath of winter air, frosted with bent sunlight. He felt it on his face with Shula's exhale, tickling his cheeks with his own hair. Oh god if he could just stay like this forever. End the world now.

And he would be happy.

Graveyards had no place here; only the living belonged in this warmth, listening to this song that burst out of her and into him. This...this was like sex for souls. His mind plunged into bliss, lost in the rise and fall of her chest as it pressed fervently into his ear. If he went deaf right now...it would be okay--if this was the last thing he ever heard in his life--he'd accept that. From a girl who had once been the sounds of the copy machine, the distant steps in the hall, the grinding of the coffee maker, the banging of plates, scribbling of a pen...he heard this sound. Oh god she was alive. She...she was alive. His cheek wasn't pressed against the engraved name of someone gone, but against something warm, squishy, and alive. He could scavenge every graveyard in the world and he still would never find her name there. One day, it would be there, but not now. Maybe after she was old and gray. Old...they, both of them, could they grow old...together? Spade never expected to live past 50 himself, but now...now maybe there was a reason to. He never was a planner for the future, but if their names were together in the graveyard or their ashes mixed together on the wind, wouldn't that be something? Something Spade had never imagined for himself after shooting Shirley dead. And for that...

He feared himself.

Killing Shula with these hands--these hands that held hers... He didn't deserve it. That was something that always stayed with him, but... FUCK THAT SHIT. FUCK IT. Because her heart was beating, he could make her happy. He didn't deserve it, but that too was selfish. So what the fuck was he supposed to do. He loved her. He said it. He showed it. He said it again. It did it on its own. He already knew it was something that couldn't be stopped... unlike Shirley. After she betrayed him, that love was gone...just like that. Was that real love? Nothing like this...this beating that never stopped--never ceased. He could strangle her right now and it would keep going. It was like the fucking energizer bunny and his sex drive combined. Was...was this how she had felt that time he held her to him? This...it was...he had never listened to someone else's heart beat. Not even his mother's. She was aloof, distant, and now dead. So this was a first for him... She...she was telling him that she would always be here. Not because they were dying, not because they were about to die, but because right now, they were living. And she would always be there, with him, for him forever...no matter what. That was a 'fuck you death' without words or an 'I love you' without sound. Either which had no worth here. Beyond his own words, he found this, which allowed him to overlook that fear.

"You know that Ishvallans believe in reincarnation..." Her voice seeped into the growing silence, eating at the edges of the black until his eyes were forced open and reality came crawling back. It nearly killed him. The pain returned. The dream ended. He was breathing again, and listened to language instead of to song. And damn seven times was rough. Thank the heavens he was Xingese and not Ishvallan. What a pain in the ass! His soul was busted enough in one damn lifetime; he sure as hell didn't need six more. Damn, life, couldn't you freaking give Shula a break already?! He was jealous--jealous of her previous lives and her previous loves that didn't involve him in the slightest. Or wait...maybe non-Ishvallans could live seven times too? If...if that was the case... "I wonder how many times I've fallen in love with you..." Spade murmured, holding her close. This had to have been the seventh. This...was their last life. It was terrifying, but perfect. So perfect.

"Kyahr." Just a word. Just a name. It meant nothing to him, but sounded so airy--so Shu that he had to repeat it to himself again. Kyahr...why did it sound familiar?

"Beautiful," he said and meant it--for once, actually meant the word and all its meaning. Damn too much meaning in one night. He really needed a break. All this thinking was making him feel sick. Using his good arm, he drew himself away slightly, realizing with a jolt that he was gripping her right breast. It felt nice there, but FUCK. He...he didn't...he... SHIT. His face grew hot and he quickly retreated to the other side of the couch in a flash. This--this...this was a problem. NO HE WASN'T THINKING THAT. HE WASN'T. Although he did kind of want to continue.................. IT WAS WRONG. He was a cruel, selfish bastard, but he was also a man. And yeah, actually he was thinking that. NOW! It was only AFTER that that he was thinking that. After the fact, dammit. He had to do something. Do something OTHER THAN that. Spade go! Go forth!! Gooooooooooo!!

"Ooh hamburgers, my favorite."

[Shula Brighton]

"I wonder how many times I've fallen in love with you..." Spade really was a wonder. He was so many things, all at once, and yet he culd be none of them at any given moment if he so chose. Getting to know him she'd seen how goofy he was, how carefree and how he would much rather take you to go shoot pool than actually work. Hell, he encouraged that sort of things with his underlings a lot because life was too short to be buried under paperwork and other unfun things. She'd seen Spade and his one-night stands before, too, and how he acted with them. Spade was a class act when it came to charming, and if anything one could say that his gift for using a silken tongue was only rivaled by his skills in cards and chess. But he was always charming, if not a little cheesy; he'd even used his cheesy lines on her a few times, even though then they had just been to tease. She'd seen him be completely dead serious about things when they mattered, how grumpy he could be when he needed a nic fix, and she'd even see him be something of an ass to his subordinates without really meaning to. But this was rather different than all of those things; like a combination of all of them without being any one more than the other. She'd never seen him so openly let himself be in love before. But this wasn't just a line; he wasn't trying to woo her into bed. He meant it. And that was one of the sweetest, most romantic and slightly scary things she'd ever heard.

Marriage and reincarnation went hand in hand as she'd been raised, and even though your husbands were usually arranged for you, they were done carefully because the person you were with was one whom you'd been with for lifetimes. While Shula generally was rather devout on thigns, it was hard to say for certain what was true and what wasn't; she was alive and breathing, and the time she'd legitimately been dead had only been moments and not given her any grand insight to the inner workings of the universe. But the idea of holding somone who had quite possibly loved her over and over was exciting and terrifying, and made her feel rather small in the grand scheme of things. And yet? As they were right now, she was content. Her heart was grieving still, but there was warmth to stave off the snow from falling inside of her and letting winter seize her heart completely. There was warmth and light and comfort. The corners of her mouth moved into a small, tired smile, glad that he thought her name was beautiful, and that she'd let herself admit it out loud to him. It was the most personal gift she could give, but she knew she could trust Spade not to abuse something that delicate. There were so many questions racing through her head right now, making her mind dizzy.

That was, until, those dizzying thoughts came to a screeching halt when she'd felt something.. new. Spade was pushing away to get up and mostl likely go eat, but as he'd pushed away with his good hand, it happened to land on her breast. Small as it was, that was still hers, and until that moment, ungroped. Spade Aeries, one of the most well-known playboys Amestris had to offer, was squeezing her right boob. They both seemed to freeze. While Spade pawing at some woman's chest wasn't exactly anything unheard of, those women weren't her. Red eyes widened in shock and then shut tightly, Spade zipping to the other side of the sofa and causing a small breeze as Shula squeaked brightly, whipping around, her arms moving to cover her chest, all of which seeming to happen in the amount of time it took to breathe in once between heartbeats and exhale it as a shocked sound. Her cheeks went deep red, Shula refusing to turn back around until she'd managed to calm herself. Spade had groped her. It was an accident (probably). But Spade had groped her. In the span of a single evening she'd listen to a man confess his deepest feelings for her, been kissed, and he'd made it to second base. Good Lord her brother would kill her.

"Ooh hamburgers, my favorite." The enthusiasm in Spade's voice over mixed meat hamburgers was almost hilarious as far as recoveries and playing the "change of subject" card went. Shula remained turned away, facing the large TV against the wall and still covering her chest as though her shirt might abandon her by its own choice. Slow breaths in and out helped slow her racing heartbeat. It was going to be a long night, wasn't it?

"Um.. yeah. They're beef and lamb mixed. A-And there's ketchup in the fridge." Oh god she could just die of embarrassment. Slow breaths in and out, Bright Eyes. Just... pretend it didn't happen or you'll make things really weird. Or, well, more complicated than they're already getting on their own. Finally, Shula's arms moved back to her sides as she walked back into her kitchen, eyes averting Spade's for the moment and cheeks still quite warm. She wasn't mad, but of all the awkward things... Yeah, that was top of her list so far. She opened the pan and pulled out two of the thick patties onto a plate for Spade and set it down on the bar-table that marked the end of the kitchen as she grabbed one for herself, unsure if she'd be able to really eat. Even without Spade here, her mind was too full and too heavy to really feel hungry, even though she knew she had to break her habit of not eating when she was upset about things.

Shula was about to sit down in the other little chair to eat when a thought drifted across her mind. Spade had cigarettes on him, but she hadn't seen him soke since they were in Central. And he hadn't had anything to drink since his bottle of Jack ran out in Norht. That was... Oddly impressive, considering how well she knew his habits. Reaching back into the little utility drawer, Shula pulled out the small, cheap lighter she'd used earlier to light the incense and put it on the counter next to Spade. "You can smoke on the balcony... I know you're probably jonesing for a nic fix something hard by now." With a small smile, she finally sat down and slowly began to pick at her burger.

[Spade Aeries]

Why did a smoke sound so good right now? Every corner of his body cried out in need, clawing ferally at the word 'no' until it ceased to exist as a means of resistance to the inevitability of lung cancer. He buried his face in the couch just for a moment, sucking in the musty smell of old before yanking himself to his unworthy feet--feet tired from the constant throws of exercising a spent body. He wandered over to inspect the lighter like a dog trying to determine whether or not an unidentified object was food or not. His thick digits wrapped ruefully around the neon plastic, eyes already on fire. An addiction...was such a dangerous thing. No, it was in front of him; he couldn't resist. That was that; it was impossible. Saying nothing, he slipped the thing into his pocket like only a junkie would, however, did not immediately dive onto the balcony to finish off the entire remnants of his rumpled Lucky Sevens. Instead, Spade was fervently staring down the lamb beef mix of a burger that Shu had made with melted cheese. If that wasn't heaven, then Spade had no idea. Raising the bun to his lips, half of it was gone in one bite while his head swam deeply into what could only be called pure ecstasy. She could definitely cook. He, well... did microwaving frozen dinners count? He was good at that at least. ...Hey, it was something. The ex playboy's plate was licked clean within a few moments, resulting in his gaze shifting over to the Ishvallan he had just admitted to loving openly. Did that...really happen? Briefly, his eyes shuddered onto the digital clock on the stove. Yeah... the day was almost over, but it was still the anniversary of Shirley's death in its last throws before the end. Regardless of anything, this was still the day she died, and this would always be the day that Spade Aeries first said 'I love you'. The words echoed in his head, forever a compelling rhapsody, plunging him into a world he didn't quite understand. Because Spade Aeries had never thought that forever existed--never wanted forever to exist.

The bullet wound was grating at his mind more violently now, but even so, the spoken words dividing between himself and Shula Brighton came again and again into his mind. Unlike that day he had forced Alisa to forget him, these words were soft breaths of a new life--something Spade never had wanted. He was good as he was, drinking and smoking his life away while dragging girls of all variety into bed with him. Never...never had he wanted to stop; the thought hadn't even crossed his mind for the short time he was with Alisa. In fact, Spade didn't even know what Alisa thought of his words, for he had been too busy getting chased by a doctor and witnessing Acra's death. He didn't know how he felt about Acra being in a coma. Was it...a lucky break or a breach in camaraderie? What would Acra say? Even as he told the guy to take care of Shu, all the while, Spade had loved her--had hidden it from himself as much as he had from everyone else. Talk about falling in love with your secretary... But at the same time, wasn't it worse to try and pretend that Shula's smile wasn't the sole motivation to keep living? He tried to paste over her with another beautiful, strong woman, but he learned time and time again that another person just...could never be replaced. In his heart, Josef, Markus, and all the others were incorrigible corners of his soul that tapped it feebly to his body and told it to stay. While he listened to Shu's heart beat, he knew that somehow...they all lived with him. Alisa's spew of curses and wild lifestyle clashed with his own, spiraling out beyond the danger zone and into something more incomprehensible. He didn't deserve her...that's what he had said. Maybe it was true. But as he figured, his love for Shu was a monster--one with ravenous fangs and beady eyes that could never be stopped no matter how many times he accidentally lit it on fire...

Right now, she was picking at her food, having no idea of all the multitudes of thoughts transpiring in his weary mind. Her tired smile, led him to the balcony where he smoked and stared off into the distance as if he could just reach out a hand and touch the future, all the while knowing that not even alchemy allowed for such sorcery. Maybe love did. The pack was done, leaving only ashes and blacken lungs behind. Coughing quietly, Spade focused dully on the plumes of his breath, searing into the winter wind. It was okay like this... He could be himself, right Kyahr?

Shu looked like she had gotten down the majority of her burger by the time he came back inside, freezing his ass off. "Shower," he queried with a sagely look shining through his nicotine induced daze. She led him to it, their laughter trailing down the hallway. Before he knew it, Spade had figured out how to work the shower and was cutting sloppily away at the bandages to get them off. He stared at the stitches in the mirror that looked all out of whack, and felt slightly naucious upon seeing all the blood that was just...every where. Even under the water, it was stained an orangey rust color. God, would he ever get clean like this? Scrubbing at his hair with shampoo, conditioner, he decided to skip soaping his body because the water was making it sting as is. A cloud of steam followed him out where he found Shu attempting to get the couch to fold into a bed. "The shirt won't fit," Spade laughed lightly, a tangle of bare chest and bandages that only a befit man like him could pull off. He was littered with scars from bullets and the large gash on his back was completely red from the heat of the shower. Spade followed her eyes. "It'll be fine." Whether he meant the shirt or the fact that he was bleeding to all hell, no one would ever know.

The couch smelled like animal and old--musty mushrooms and plastic... He winced. No one should have to-- Green and red were interlocked, but the look that had entered into the irises of the Ishvallan stopped Spade's croak of thoughts in their tracks. Despite smelling of flowery, girly shampoo, he found himself crossing the distance and his heart at the same time. His arms welded themselves around her, his eyes closing. "I'll always love you, Shu."

[EXIT THREAD]

[Shula Brighton]

Sitting down and finally taking in her food was making Shula realize just how honestly tired she was. So much had happened in just a few days. Worlds ending, restarting, doors shtting and locking out the light while others that had been barred shut were slowly breaking open to welcome tiny shreds of warmth. So much so soon... It felt like she was still caught in that wave in Drachma, tumbling over and over in the dark and kicking furiously but not knowing where up was or if she'd drown before her hand got anywhere near the light of the sky above the water. Her heart was broken, too haunted and wounded right now to give her any solid hint that it would heal. And yet? Spade was there just as chunks fell to the depths of her and crumbled, ready with fresh mastic and tile to try and fill the cracks and keep her whole. He was there and was trying to save her still, even if it meant showing her his own wounds that would never seem to heal.

Her fork picked idly at her burger, the Ishvallan only so interested in actually eating the food, nibbling at it more as a courtesy than actual hunger. She knew herself better than that. When she was upset and hurting, she stopped eating, even though she'd gotten better about that. She knew she needed to eat, but her mind was too full to really feel hunger, even though her stomach was very empty and demanding food. Spade's burger wasn't eaten so much as it was swallowed nearly whole in two or three large bites. Was it just a guy thing, or was Spade secretly half snake and could unhinge his jaw to swallow his prey without the need to chew? She'd quietly given him a tired smile as the man nearly licked his plate from the meaty juices, and she was half-tempted to let him have the other half of her own food. Ah well, there were two more patties she'd made, and if he didn't want them now they'd be there for breakfast until she went out to buy proper groceries. If Spade was staying here for a bit she knew he wouldn't want to live on hot nothing.

A quiet tramping of soft footsteps, the dull metal sound of the balcony door unlocking and opening. Shula glanced behind her. Spade was out on the balcony now, smoking the last of his pack. He'd finish the pack tonight, no doubt; he didn't smoke in the car and hadn't had a nic stick since Central hours earlier. It was such a strange thing right now; she was thinking without thoughts. Just replaying images, sounds, feelings. Bright and bold, vivid as if they were happening right now. Today was a day that set so many markers, so many sounds and feelings she'd never be able to erase from her mind. Shula glanced to her jacket- she could almost feel Shirley's smile from the photo echoing through the nothing. It made her wonder things that were pointless and would do nothing but pick at scabs and scars. Will you let him rest and be happy now, Shirley? He gave your ghost to me whether you like it or not... So don't you dare haunt him anymore.

"Shower? Shu turned around. Spade had come back in, much more relaxed and happy with the drug content in his system rising back to a happy level as he defrosted. She knew that look. That look of OH GOD why is it cold out and so warm in here? South was funny that way; it was a desert area, but in the winter nights got surprisingly cold, even when in the daytime you could still run about in tee shirts. Plate pushed away, Spade was led to the downstairs shower, her face lighting back up with him there to warm away the heavy things that had been trying to snow on her heart. The shower was running, Shula was alone and cleaned up the food as she tried to think as little as possible. Musty cushions were pulled off from the sofa and onto the floor like upholstered burdens, Shula wishing it were really just as easy to turn off her mind. She was in pain emotionally and physically and deeply conflicted, trying to shove away the things that killed her inside just for now, just for a little while to feel the warmth and comfort being offered by another.

He loved her. Today was the first time he'd told her, and the first time anyone had told her to her face. But she knew. Long before now, somewhere in the shadows of her soul, Shula had known Spade had loved her all along. The lingering looks followed by forcing himself to not look at her, anywhere but on her face. He hugged her so infrequently, refrained from touching her, not because he didn't want to, but because she knew somewhere that he wouldn't want to stop, Every time Spade's hand had cupped her cheek and brushed the weakness in her away from her face, she could feel that restraint. But now that he'd exhaled the words that he'd held onto that they both already knew, it was kind of like finally exhaling after holding your breath too long and the dizziness that followed, the thumping pulse in your temples, the blacked blurs around the edges of your vision. The sofa bed was halfway pulled out, and its owner concluding either a new one should be bought soon or a whole lot of Febreeze poured on the current one as Spade came back from the shower. His bandages were loose, the wounds red and opened, exposed to the air to allow them to bleed out a little in order clot before rewrapping properly. "The shirt won't fit." He laughed again, lightly, the lingering warmth of the day returning to the room in front of Shula as her eyes danced around his chest and flitted from wound to wound, scar to scar like a frenzied hummingbird in a crimson field of poppies. "It'll be fine."

Shula looked to the sofa bed and to the look in Spade's eyes. That look that knew Shula hadn't had a chance to air out the bed and see if it was even comfy, like a dog being banished to sleep in a hard platic kennel instead of something warm and cozy. Her arm and shoulder hurt too much to keep pulling at it and trying to make it work. She looked up silently, his eyes meeting hers, her heart frozen in a bubbling mix of love, pain, uncertainty and fatigue from the depths of her soul. In a heartbeat, strong arms were around her, holding her tightly to him, warmth being shared. That heartbeat... That would always be hers. "I'll always love you, Shu." She closed her eyes, leaning into him lightly, breathing in his scent and let herself for a moment relax and escapy the dizzziness of her thoughts, lingering there for a long moment before pulling away. I know... You always have. When she finally did she pushed up a smile, her body wanting to go back to that warmth but her eyes shining with that same reservation, that same silent plea to give her time. She leaned up on the balls of her feet, gracing Spade's cheek with her lips warmly before pulling away and dropping back with the teensiest step backward.

"It might be comfier with the cushions and just sleeping on it as the sofa for tonight..." Her voice was soft and distant, shying away from everything right now. It was just too much. She looked to the pulled out cusions and the half-undone sofa bed tiredly before looking back up to Spade, a shy smile trying to surface as she reached for his hand. Screw it. "JUst... Just for tonight, okay?" She knew he'd understand what she meant, and that he'd behave. For all the time he'd held back around her, she knew Spade wouldn't touch her without her permission. "Just gimme a few to change."

The tiny Ishvallan vanished upstairs, her weight barely pressing into the steps as she shut the door behind her. Most of the loft was open to below, her dressers held in place by a half-wall, but the first third of the room had a full wall near the door to give some privacy. Shula changed quickly into her nightgown and sat on the bed, cheeks flushed as she stared for a few moments into nothing. Spade might have decided to sleep on the sofa after all... Her hand reached out to the photo on her night stand. Her and Aaron. Happy. Smiling. Together. Now he would stay away forever. The framed photo was put back almost instantly, Shula not having hte heart to open her cell phone. She couldn't. Those azure eyes and goofy smile, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as his chin rested on her head. Shula couldn't bear it right now. It was too much... just too much all in one day.

Shula didn't know when she'd started crying again, her face buried in her hand, leaning heavily over her knees. She didn't even notice the small quiet sobs that escaped her body, or the shining drops that fell onto the floor. Fr now she was alone in the dark, and feeling escaped and crashed over her like that wave. She didn't hear the tired footsteps on the stairs or the door opening quietly. Shula wasn't even aware she'd stopped being alone until the warmth moved around her shoulders and pulled her close again and down into the bed. She knew he probably could easily crack and cry at any moment; he had every reason to. But he wasn't. Instead, the warmth held her there as she cried it all out until there was nothing left, leaving only numbness and sleep in a protective warmth that promised to keep the monsters away. Two souls in the dark, intertwined deeply through time and eternity, trapped in frail human bodies as the silent moon and stars reflected in the black water outside.

Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

[color=red][END THREAD][/color

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