Come Undone

[Shula Brighton]

Footsteps closed in, rushing forward with a soft galloping sound almost that suddenly all stopped at once, the twelve feet and their bodies still as statues. Shula grinned brightly, her eyes glinting at her (hopefully) impending victory as the gap between she and those coming toward her lessened. They were winning, and outnumbered her, but for the moment, that didn't matter. That was just the nature of the game, and if she was defeated in the end... Well, that was just how it went. Slowly Shula turned back away from everyone, leaning against a broken brick wall. Her left arm was held tightly to her chest in a sling outside of her clothes, the dark red of her hoodie contrasting with the snowy white of her hair. Her other hand curled into a fist as she pounded the side of it against the brick as the troop of feet resumed running toward her as her voice called off with every beat from her hand. ”One..Two...Three! Knock on the wall! As she finished she whipped around, all footsteps once again stopped stone still, panting and some giggling. They were way closer. Shula let out a small laugh as she turned back around, once again closing her eyes as the small pack of kids resumed running at her. ”One..Two...Three, knock on the—YAH!” A small, outstretched hand tapped against the back of Shula's uninjured shoulder, signifying that the other five kids could all run like hell as the Ishvallan whipped around to chase them down and catch one. True, she probably could have just caught the one who tagged her easiest, but what would the fun have been in that?

The six that were playing with her ran, laughing as they went and ran down the block and across the mess of rubble that hadn't been cleared away yet. It had been over a month, but Central was still a wreck. There just wasn't enough manpower to get it all cleared in all the destroyed cities or enough money to pay them all at once. A lot of the force had been volunteer, but only so much could get done at once. Central had become a much more dangerous place, martial law setting in in areas as the military's security tried to keep some semblance of control in the city and keep the area from devouring itself while it tried not to rot. So many were left devastated and homeless, friends and families lost to the destruction. Nobody was unaffected. People were banding together, though, for better or worse, and some of the kinder people had taken to looking after the children who had been left without anyone to care for them. And if you looked closely and in the right areas, even though it was fleeting, something precious could be found alive and growing: hope.

The row of houses that had once been her street had stood there for a hundred years or more and seen Central survive so many changes and didn't fall until bombs had left them no choice but to fall. Shula had looked up at the remains of the home that had been hers, the one her grandfather had so carefully found and bargained for, close enough that she could walk to HQ but without having to live there where she'd be watched too closely. She really had come to like that house, even though it was too big and empty for just her alone. Shula had turned it into something nice; almost a home. There hadn't been much left to pick through; everything had already been picked quite well and what was left was mostly ruined. Walking through the crumbling street had been rather depressing, especially by herself.

It had been a quiet ride from North back to Central, Spade only having been released from North's hospital after spending the last four days there. There was a certain tiredness that being in those god awful places gave you, even if you weren't sick before or after you left. Her own arm had been dislocated very nicely, but since Wagner had been good enough to put it back in, there wasn't much the doctors could do other than give her a sling and pain killers.... which burned as they dissolved within her body and fizzled into nothingness. It seemed Raistlin's array was a double-edged sword and would eradicate all foreign substances in her body, both bad and good. Good thing, she supposed, that nobody tried or had any reason to put her under. Shula had been quiet at North and rather distant, spending little time in the warmth and safety of the hospital and preferring to go out for long walks by herself to clear her head and try to put herself back together. Loss, she supposed, was something she'd never be okay with.

They both knew that Central would be a mess, but there was something Spade needed, something that he'd never find anywhere else. Something nothing could replace. The Womanizer Mobile. As much as the name made her roll her eyes, Shu couldn't disagree that that was an amazing car, and it was Spade's baby. And that baby needed to be rescued from Central and fixed and loved and.... The car had been found easily enough, but needed parts. Go figure. Shula was more amazed it was still recognizable and hadn't been hotwired. But, parts were missing, and Spade had gone off to find them. Shula promised she would stay near her old house to make it easier to find her later since she doubted she'd be much good finding car parts when she didn't even know what most of them were. So it had just been Shula by herself with her thoughts when the small ball bounced a few times and hat hit her in the ankle, where it stopped.

Shula panted slightly as she ran, careful not to jar her arm. Small black bags were forming under her eyes from nights of not sleeping well or resting, but she could always sleep on the way home. She jumped up on a pile of mess and ran along the top of it, her footing careful but fast as she made a small plan; she'd run up ahead and catch someone... probably the boy in front, the eldest of them all. It was no fun to tag the smallest of them and make the eight-year-old “It” repeatedly. But the fifteen-year-old with legs like a stork? Much more challenging. Shula ran a little faster, hopping across the peaks of piled brick and then moved downward, skidding to the ground. The kids shrieked happily as they all tried to stop on a dime to run the other way as Shula's arm came out to tag the boy. She stretched out her arm a little more.....

”Hey! Toss that back here?” Shula looked up from the ball at her foot at the small pack of kids halfway up the block. The youngest of the six had been a little girl who was eight, and the eldest a long, lanky boy in his early teens who had been minding them all. Slowly she picked up the ball, looked it over, and gave it a gentle, under-handed toss back to him. The boy looked at Shula carefully and walked over to her slowly. ”Do you have somewhere to go? I think we have another cot where we're staying.” Wait... What? He thought she was a stray? Shula smiled apologetically to him and tried to wave it off.

“I'm fine! I'm actually just waiting for my friend to finish and come get me is all.” The boy raised an eyebrow and gave her a look, not really doubting her, but not sure who would leave a girl on their own in a place like this.

“Well until they DO come for you.... You should hang out with us. I'm keeping them out of trouble, and we're all staying together with an old lady looking after us.”

And so she'd been invited to play until Spade called for her, which was fine by her. Not like she had anything to do that she wanted to do at the moment. Sure, she could go poke around the ruins of Central HQ, but meh. If Raistlin's watchdogs were watching her, they could piss off. She deserved a break. Shula hadn't been much for catch with one arm, but hopscotch, kickball and chase? Totally. Even when asked, the kids didn't believe she was older than the boy in charge. They didn't believe her that she was a Brigadier General in the military, or that she was an alchemist. When she'd suggested any of these truths the kids all laughed and poked at her, offering up that if she was any of those things then they held equally lofty titles. It hadn't been brought up or questioned again as it didn't matter. Her name was Shula and she was surprisingly good at tag.

[Spade Aeries]

"Agggggggh!!!!!!" Spade shouted with all the volume of stampede as he slammed his fist down onto the counter. "How can you still be sold out!?" His voice descended into the sad, whiny tones of an alcoholic deprived of the object of his thirst. The man on the other side of the counter, looking rather apologetic, shook his head in sympathy.

"Were at war, you know," he said.

The newly appointed Lieutenant General had no reply and exited the shop whose large, once vibrant sign read ICE COLD BEER. What lies. Pocketing his hands from the cold, the playboy turned away from the jingling bell, wondering where he had gone wrong in his life to warrant such dreadful treatment. It hurt, his life...without even booze as comfort. He couldn't get Alisa's loud, rapturous voice out of his head. Yelling, cursing... was this happiness? Was this...what he wanted?--To thwart the truth with a woman who was only supposed to be a one night stand? "But I'm already 29..." A murmur--warm breath of air that disappeared like the faces of the Drachman soldiers under his bullet. That's right. They lost. He would live with that loss forever, but countries...people weren't unbeatable. No one is immortal. Immortality doesn't exist. How did that song go? "I just want to live while I'm alive" or something. It had been playing at a club somewhere. He nearly had choked on the tequila hearing it then... Sometimes lyrics hit home. Well, fuck it. They didn't have booze. Central was fresh out of everything he loved. He had retrieved the Womanizer Mobile unharmed in the underground parking garage and only needed to bring her some oil. That was the 'part' he now had clasped in his good hand. The other was supposed to be in a sling, but since when did he ever bother listening to shit? He wasn't about to start now that was for damn sure. Muttering some obscenities under his breath, he began the short trek back to the seventh level where the green convertible waited for him.

"Hey there, beautiful. Were you waitin' long?" Yeah, he talked to his car. Come off it. She was the only one who truly understood him anyway... Like, others did, but...that was just the him in front of people. You know...there's the you in front of no one? Yeah, that's what she saw. Spade wasn't really Spade alone... A soft smile touched his lips, rough hands dragging against the polished coat, traces of wax resonating on his fingerprint. He had just washed her before the bombs went off... Really, he hadn't wanted to see her destroyed... Put it off until now. "Heh, it really is a pain in the ass, isn't it?" The sound of the motor starting was music, honing lyrics that would make Bon Jovi blanch. He stretched his bad arm out, taking a deep breath to seal the pain. The stitches pulled, his ribs complained, and his body on many levels revolted, but he placed both hands on the steering wheel with that cocky smirk, and slammed on the gas. Pedal to the medal, baby! A trail of burning rubber was left in his wake along with the empty oil container and the squealing of a laughing car.

When he saw her, Spade carefully placed his sunglasses over his eyes to hide the look in his eyes. She was playing with local children--children without homes...without parents... He smiled, but... his eyes did it on their own. Only because he cared. He wouldn't really have this job if he didn't give two shits, would he? Something about the sound of her laughter and the sight of kids running all around her, pulled at his chest and it was tight. Breathing felt like work, but he figured that was just because his ribs weren't yet healed from the previous battle and were plotting revenge. He finally got out of the car, pocketing his hands again, noting the fact that his one arm lolled pathetically to the side. He forced a smile, trying to wipe the emotion out of his voice. "Time to go." He bowed his head slightly, hoping that the kids wouldn't recognize him. In some countries pop stars and idols were famous, but in Amestris it was the military leaders that got chased down by paparazzi's. Anyone that didn't know Spade's face didn't have a TV or frankly didn't give a shit. He preferred that last part. Running his unshot hand through his aloof, brown hair, he realized how disheveled it was from the wind, matching exactly how he felt. Ah, he belonged here among the broken buildings. Because even after getting Alisa back, something was still broken inside him--something still didn't feel right. He was off. And he was well aware that he wasn't acting like himself.

"Hey Shu...something about hospitals just exhausts me... Do you mind driving?"

[Shula Brighton]

Despite the last few days being nothing short of pure Hell, every waking moment dripping with the anguish of loss on a much deeper level than just as a country and every sleeping moment filled with nothing but horrific things burned into her mind forever... for just a moment, just a fraction of time so small nobody would notice it missing, Shula had managed to let it go and let herself smile. Just a little. Just enough to honestly enjoy that she was being chased and chasing six children whom, while just as hurt, devastated and miserable as she was, were also enjoying the slice away from feeling it and letting go. They were good for each other, these six and Shula; like Wendy playing with the Lost Boys, the trouble of the grown-up world behind them all for just a moment in time. All that mattered was right now, because no other moment existed.

Shula didn't notice the green convertible come to a stop nearby. She didn't notice Spade standing there quietly watching her play, letting out a bright laugh and sharp yelp as one of the boys who was merely centimeters smaller than she was smacked her back too hard to tag. The group froze at the pained cry, the boy watching them all running up and swatting the younger boy lightly. ”Foul, Toby! She's injured, so you sit out a few minutes!” The rules were of their own making and seemed to change whenever it suited them. Shula rubbed at her injured shoulder as she slowly straightened back up, trying to laugh off the pain slightly.

”I'm fine, really. It's just a little sore is a--”

”Time to go.” Shula turned around, looking at the source of the voice. It looked enough like Spade and sounded kinda like him, but something seemed to be missing from the man that stood before her. Then again... They'd just survived so many kinds of Hell. She was sure she wasn't all there right now, either. She looked back to her playmates.

”Later guys... My ride's here. I'll try to come back to play real soon!” There was a resounding chorus of Awwww, the eldest of the pack stepping closer and eying Spade warily, not sure what to make of the man who wouldn't look up at any of them. Shula gave a final wave, trotting up to the weary and disheveled casing of a man who somehow used to be Spade Aeries. Where had he gone? He was there when Shula met him in January and started working for him, salvaging his office and organizing a wasteland of papers that nobody dared touch. When had his smile started to slip so badly? It was before the last war, when she met Sakuya in the hospital. Before then... After she was well enough to resume talking and working after that damned festival that had actually killed her, even if only briefly. That night she'd gone to the strip club with him and their friends. Spade had been there, yes, but so had Sakuya. That was about the time his smile had started fading and losing its brilliance. He's just tired.... Somehow... SOMEHOW, Spade will come back. And so will Acra. Things will return somehow.

“Hey Shu...something about hospitals just exhausts me... Do you mind driving?" Shula nearly choked on air. Okay, that confirmed it. This man wasn't Spade! He was a body snatcher! Spade. Wanted her. To drive. The Womanizer Mobile?! No way. No freaking WAY. Shula had worked for the man long enough to know QUITE a lot about Spade. She knew where to pick up his dry cleaning. She knew which apartment was Spade's, and had a key to it for convenience's sake. She knew going to Spade's apartment to fetch or drop things off should have warranted her hazard pay considering she was afraid at any given point the vile creatures that lived in his sink, fridge and other places might try to kill her and devour her at any moment. She knew Spade took his coffee black with one sugar and a shot of scotch, especially if he had to be there before ten. Shula knew such intimate details about Spade, even before knowing the truth about who he was before he was Spade. And Shula knew fucking well enough that nobody but NOBODY drove the Womanizer Mobile. At the most? She had been invited to ride in it, and occasionally been asked to get something from it for him.

This wasn't something he'd even kid about. This car was something between Spade's one true love and the angel he'd pray to at night. Shula looked between Spade and the sacred car a few times before holding her hand out for the keys as though she were receiving the Holy Grail and all the power of the universe was hers to command with the utmost care. Spade could drive this car and make love to it as he did so. Shula was no such animal, and driving the Womanizer Mobile would be more like trying to pet a tiger that you were afraid would turn around and eat you at any given moment.

”No prob, Boss, if you're not feeling up to it..... I SWEAR to Ishvalla I'll drive carefully.” Holy keys in hand, Shula took the driver's seat, and pulled it as close to the wheel as she could in order to reach the pedals. Side and rear view mirrors adjusted, seat pulled up to a SITTING position... How in the Nine Hells Spade could drive practically laying down was beyond her. Strapped in place, Shula looked to the sky, shooting out a quick, terrified prayer to Ishvalla that she not scratch the car, hit anything and if they did hit anything that she die quickly so Spade wouldn't kill her for it. Gently the car came to life as the ignition clicked, the motor giving a gentle roar surrounded by a humming purr that dripped with anticipation. Too bad the convertible didn't know it wasn't her beloved Spade driving. The car reversed slightly and then went forward, finding the nearest unblocked street to turn and make it back toward the highway that would take them back to South. It was a quiet moment, Shula focused entirely on her driving as the highway's entrance came up ahead, rather glad there was so little traffic in this part of the country now. Less to worry about. ”Let's go home.”

[Spade Aeries]

He got in. Hands clasped on his knees. White knuckles. Heart racing. What...was he doing? The words had already left him--had already left her speechless inside. She knew. She knew that he had lost himself somewhere--somewhere in that hospital room--somewhere in that echoing beep...that nothingness. His scream. The room torn apart, still in his mind, torn apart. His hands slid from his knees and touched the leather of a seat he had never sat in while the car was in motion. Never had he not driven--never had he not had control. Mindlessly, had he given it away to the one person in this world that he trusted with it. His head fell back against the top of the seat, his eyes listing closed. This was a dream...right? The wind pricked against his face, caressing, caressing like a woman's soft, cool touch. He breathed in that air and then breathed it out, opening his eyes and throwing his head to the side to see her with that nervous look on her face. She knew. He never had to question it because he knew too. Shula knew where to pick up his dry cleaning--she knew which apartment used to be his. He'd even given her a key to it although he never locked his door. She knew all the pretty colors mold made when it collected on the month-old dishes piled in the sink that he never really got around to doing. She knew that Spade took his coffee black with one sugar and a shot of scotch...especially when he had to show up before ten. Spade didn't get up before eleven, but he did if he knew Shu would be there with a cup of coffee waiting. He could yank himself out of bed and onto the cold floor for that. He knew it would warrant a smile, and to him, that was more important than lack of sleep. He also knew that she was the one that cleared the paperwork off his desk before he had a chance to see it and complain. He knew that she loved his leather couch and would often sit lightly upon it when she thought he wasn't looking. He knew that she died her hair blond before she had let it grow back out to white. He liked it better white...something about lack of pigment was sexy. He knew that Shu wasn't sexy, but he was well aware that he honestly didn't care; she was beautiful. He knew that she watched him too closely and knew way too much about him for her own good... They would follow each other into hell. It...it was stupid that they knew so much. It was just stupid. Tomorrow he could get shot. Dead. Tomorrow, she could succumb to the illness she was hiding so well now. Dead. They would suffer. Whatever the outcome, he knew they would suffer. But Spade...also knew--he knew that he loved her. And he had told her. "I love you more than those one night stands, Shu. More than the pack of cigs I smoke a day or the long nights at the bar drinking my heart away until its numb." He meant it. She didn't know that. No, that was something she didn't know. "I-I didn't know... Spade..."

He smiled, a geeky smile, green eyes beaming at her through a veil of waves. "Yeah. Where ever home is..." The place where they were both born. "Funny, I wasn't even born in Xing." It was laughable. It was as if he was destined all his life not the inherit the throne. Not like he ever wanted that shit anyway. It was...useless to him. Just like his job and everything else his life possessed. Could it...just end already? This was enough, wasn't it? This suffering... Shirley, it's enough already, isn't it? Any more and I... I... He was quiet. For Spade, he was suddenly aware that he was quiet. Shula knew Sakuya too, so this wouldn't be a surprise, but... She thought he was healed didn't she? He was too busy comforting her to notice it in himself. Sitting this close was unbearable. He...was so tired. Spade shut his eyes again, relishing in the burning sensation that sealed them that way at least for a little while. Despite his morbid thoughts, the smile wasn't wiped away. No one was dying right now; he was sitting next to her. That was enough, right? For now, he could accept it. Like this... just like this, it was okay. They were going home...together. Together, but alone. Separated, but always together. He knew so much about her, but... he didn't know everything. He couldn't read her mind. Was she...thinking about him too? As her unpainted nails trailed over the smooth steering wheel that lead them ahead, was she, too, thinking about Sakuya "Spade" Aeries?

He coughed and curled into himself with a wince that defined the physical strain that encompassed him. There was something about painkillers that he now feared. Shu knew that too. The day he took too much Vicodin... Never again. He hadn't even touched Advil since then. He was afraid... If he lost his cool, if the shields fell away again, what would he do? Like that, he had no control. This suffering...was nothing compared to what he could cause her. "Ughffft," he hissed, moving effortly to unjar his ribs. He only succeeded in hurting himself further, as was shown by his brow furrowing. "How does she feel? ...A..mazing, right?" His gravely voice tumbled under the pavement, eyes creaking open to faintly make out her outline. "I'm sure you know this, but...you're the first person other than me...who's driven her." What did that mean? He wanted to know. Self, what does that mean? I don't know. I don't know... It meant something...something he didn't dare say again.

[Shula Brighton]

The Amestrian highway system was often crowded, confusing, and full of people driving so faw that crash-related deaths had almost been a daily event, especially in the winter. Police would write tickets if you didn't go fast enough because then you were a danger to everyone driving around you. After the destruction the trains had been the first things to get running again, allowing large numbers of survivors to flee the cities into the countryside en masse. The highways had come next, frantically repaired by workers and alchemists to allow even more people to scatter and run like hell. Central was a corpse on life support right now; there was so little left in the city that traffic right now was nonexistent. Only a few cars dotted the road that would shoot to South in a short matter of time.

"Yeah. Where ever home is... Funny, I wasn't even born in Xing." Yeah, that was kind of ironic that the rightful heir to the Emperor's seat in Xing would be born in South City. She kind of figured all princes and people like that were born in their palaces or royal hospitals or wherever it was royal people went to for important things like that. Shula glanced over at Spade briefly. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was in pain... but she hadn't seen him take Vicodin, not since that train ride together to South. She didn't know how much drugged out goodness Spade had enjoyed in the hospital at North; those few days there she'd made a habit of going on obnoxiously long walks and finding places where she could be alone, up until she'd seen Acra just before they'd left...

Spade was quiet. He was either lost in pain or lost in thought, or both. They seemed to be the same thing anymore, didn't they? Every face of a person they knew and looked at alive brought a memory of a person they'd never see again. Every memory would cut in and sting, like hair-fine cuts left by thin metal sheeting. They were so fine you couldn't even see where the skin was broke, but they bled and stung and would continue to ache far longer than they should have. And then there was the physical pain that was already in place, so much of it leftover from last month that hadn't had a chance to heal correctly. A pang of guilt gnawed at her gut. Spade's ribs had been crushed, some shattered and needing metal extensions and screws to give his lungs the same protection they needed. Her own ribs had been broken, one badly enough to jut out from her skin as though she were being impaled by her own body. Though Rasitlin hadn't healed them completely, he had dulled her pain from it and aided them so that her body would heal the brake much faster. Maybe when we stop I can get him to just take some regular aspirins...

"How does she feel? ...A..mazing, right? I'm sure you know this, but...you're the first person other than me...who's driven her." His voice sounded tired. Pained. Shula sighed silently through her nose, the sound lost to the wind blowing past them. Yeah, next gas stop or when they got back to South, she'd see if he'd take a little aspirin with dinner. Dinner usually helped a lot of things. Her smile warmed back up faintly, like the dim glow of a candle in a room at evening. Soft and warm.

”It feels great, Spade,” she replied, glancing at Spade for a brief second before refocusing on the empty road in front of her. ”I can see why you love driving her so much... It's way awesome!” Shula let out a little breath, checking her gauges. Yep, she was fine. Stay in between the white lines, align your foot to the black oil streak in the middle, and in this car do at least five under. Just in case. ”Guess tonight's just a good night for first things, isn't it? First time you've let anyone drive the Womanizer Mobile; first time I've ever driven anything this cool; and first time I've ever played like that. Ever.” Her smile was faint but not going anywhere, as though Shula were getting lost in her own thoughts slightly.

[Spade Aeries]

Spade jolted upright, opening his eyes fully, and staring at her. "You've never played like that?" His voice had returned to its normal self, sounding rather grave as if he had just discovered something extremely serious pertaining to the end of the world. Leaning forward slightly, he watched her with scrutinizing eyes. "Ever.” Shu's voice floated to him, flickering about him like a strong candle flame, warming just enough to allow his nonchalance to take over. "Ever, ever? Well, not like I ever have that I remember, but you should have told me if it meant something to you..." What was he saying? He flopped back against the seat, letting out a painful sigh through his teeth. He was about to say that they could turn around, but... they were already so far. She would just laugh at him. He was laughing at himself. Such a small thing... He was sure that those kids were happy in those fleeting moments that he was gone getting oil. Just by the look he received from one of them, he knew... It was something good--something good that was still alive in this war-ravaged world. It made him happy. And that smile...playing on her lips just beside him ignited something in him that was beyond comprehension. Spade fell into silence again.

Where were they going? It was somewhere he had only been briefly: Shula's new apartment. It was sparkling new...like the rest of South. No history. Maybe it was better that way--a fresh start... But it unsettled him. Would she be okay there alone? No, would he be okay in Central without her? For the first time in a long, long time, Spade was unsure of one of his decisions. Maybe...he shouldn't have suggested it, but... something told him that only Shula was suitable for the job of maintaining the oasis of Amestris. He really, honestly believed that. He had to have a fever or something...for his thoughts to get muddled like this. He lifted his good arm and pinched the bridge of his nose, managing to pull out his wallet with his shot-up-piece-of-flesh-that-some-people-still-considered-an-arm. Emerald was swallowed by his pupils as they focused in the bleeding streetlights to see the hidden pocket underneath his beaten credit cards. Dropping his fingers from his nose, he rummaged for a bent scrap paper and flipped it over. The girl on the other side was beautiful, her eyes also green. She had natural orange hair that whipped around her frame in invisible wind. One of her hands was raised to hold hair from her eyes, slitted in a smile that said only happiness. Spade hardly believed that a liar was capable of giving him this expression or that he was able to take a picture of it before it vanished forever. Her white summer dress was nearly see through. That day... he was able to see her without that thin fabric covering her pearly skin. That day... turned into the night she died. The night he killed her--pulled the trigger with this finger.

Spade dragged his eyes away from the picture looked too much at and touched Shu's shoulder lightly with the faded thing. "Here, I'll give this to you." A faint smile--a weight lifting. Getting rid of her--of her memories... maybe was the better idea than carrying it any longer. It's been long enough now, hasn't it? His eyes flitted to the digital clock in lime green on the dash board. The time... was almost exact. It...he didn't know how he felt. He...he just didn't know. Blindly, his callused hand found Shula's on the steering wheel and pulled it to himself, holding to it tightly as if as any moment she would jump out of the car and leave him there, alone. Alone...alone...alone. "Ten years ago...right now I killed her."

[Shula Brighton]

"Ever, ever? Well, not like I ever have that I remember, but you should have told me if it meant something to you..." The tone of pure surprise in Spade's voice, as though Shula had just said something profound and shared some mystical secret that might unlock the universe as they knew it. The sound was soft and sweet, but there and she'd been unable to help it as she laughed, more amused by Spade's tone than anything else. It had been a treat she herself hadn't expected to find or even experience in her lifetime. Sure, if she had children someday by the grace of Ishvalla she would play with them, but not like that. Not being accepted as one of them. For once, for just a moment, she got to experience something that had been savored only by her brother.

”Don't worry about it. It meant quite a lot to me, and now that I've done that, it's something I can hold onto and love always.” It sounded cheesy, but true. Shula, over her life, had learned to treasure the smallest things as precious. Every time her brother would sneak her outside when their mother wasn't watching; when he'd brought in the jar of fireflies to show her the fairy lights she saw at dusk; the little bugs she'd catch in the house and set free out her window. Subtle things most people take for granted. Those were hers to treasure, even if nobody else would ever value them or understand. And even if I never hold either of you ever again... Those memories are mine forever until I'm with you both.

”Here, I'll give this to you.”

Something tapped at her shoulder, and Shula glanced down at it. A little folded photograph? Shula glanced down from the road for just a moment, looking at the picture briefly before tucking it into the safety of her hoodie's pocket. Orange hair and sparkling green eyes, and a smile that seemed so loving. So that was her. ”She was beautiful,” Shula murmured, not even thinking about it. It was true, though; she was. It was funny, though, how someone so pretty could really be so cruel as to do what she'd done to him; Shula had more than a few choice words on the matter, but she was slightly biased. She had hurt Spade, even if it was years ago and the woman was now just a ghost and bones somewhere. She'd hurt him beyond what Shula was certain could be fixed, and that had earned her a very large black mark in her book. But as far as her friends went, Spade was one of those rare and valuable treasures in Shula's life that she wanted nothing but happiness for. She blinked, slightly caught off guard as her hand was pulled from the wheel and held tightly in Spade's and close to his body. It just dawned on her the way Spade held her hand the few times he had. It was always the same. Always so tight, like he was afraid she was nothing more than a Wili and would vanish when the sky began to lighten in the earliest hours of morning.

Using her left hand to steer, she let her right hand remain in Spade's and squeezed back lightly, letting her thumb brush his skin gently. Sakuya.... I'm not safe right now. I'm rarely alone. But... I am doing everything I can to not leave you. She gave his hand another soft squeeze and pulled her arm back to him, taking his hand with her. Stretched slightly and raised up, Shula turned her hand slightly to press Spade's knuckles to her cheek, and held it there for a long moment. Her face moved upward, just a little, rubbing her soft flesh against the tops of his fingers before lowering her hand back down. Her hand lingered in his, though, her thumb stroking his hand again a few times before finally letting go to resume holding the wheel. ”Ten years ago...right now I killed her.” Her stomach knotted slightly. Shula knew this story. It didn't have a happy ending. She bit her lip slightly, thinking a moment. He'd told her one of his big secrets and exposed himself to her in a way that he hadn't with anyone else that she knew of. She couldn't tell him about Raistlin. Even if his watchdogs weren't in the car, she couldn't risk it. She just needed more time to get the research... After. After it was over and she was free, THEN she would tell him that story. But for now?

Shula smiled faintly at Spade, drawing in a little breath. There was a story she could tell him safely now that she had nothing to fear from it; she couldn't be fired over what wasn't there. ”Ten years ago... I was twelve.” SO not the response Spade would have expected there. Her mind flashed back to the beautiful little village known only for its blue clay deposits, the whole village so small it wasn't on most maps and if you missed the turnoff at the end of the bridge, you missed the whole damn thing. Only one road in and out, and a population of more livestock than people, even if they looked kind of the same. ”Winter was always a dangerous time of the year for me, Spade. And ten years ago, about this time of year, I was sick again. I was confined to my room so I couldn't get worse, and my brother wasn't allowed in while I was so weak. I remember my bed was always so far away from my window, and my mother had sealed it shut to keep out the cold, and keep me from sneaking outside. About this time of year when I was locked in my room, I remember staring out my window at the village's graveyard and wondering if that would finally be the winter that my body stopped struggling...” Her smile faded slightly, saddening. She knew Spade wouldn't want to think about while they were in the hospital together last month. How he'd held her while she was dying and knowing there was nothing he could do to save her. But it was only fair; he deserved to know more about who it was who knew so much about him.

[Spade Aeries]

He was watching a movie at a drive in theater, except he could feel her cheek--the only thing warm against the cold autumn air. Autumn... it was getting colder. Winter... Was anything alive in winter? A graveyard... He saw it, the gray stones raised like dipping heads of humpback whales, making a giant splash that simmered away into nothing, but an ocean of salt. Down this cheek, his ragged hand brushed where tears once fell that day when they both thought she was going to die. His other hand clenched into a fist, shaking, torrenting muscles all the way up his arm and straight beneath the stitches that pulled, yanking the wetness right out of his eyes. He never let it fall...not since then. His eyelashes just needed a dousing; the wind was too strong with the top down. Blinking hard, he looked away, out where his window ought to be. Her thumb continued to fondle him as if sealing away every emotion he had ever felt in his life. Away, they fell...into a pit beneath a grave. It was so dark in there...so dark. He was almost laying in the coffin now himself, watching the polished wooden lid close with an echo that rang for eternity. When all the humans and their wars and their pains were gone...would someone dig him up? Something? Or...or would Earth become as lonely as he? Earth...wouldn't have a funeral or a grave... He turned his head, a mess of eyes studying Shula's expression. Burn me alive with your alchemy instead of burying me with your thumb. Spread my ashes in the wind; it doesn't matter where I go, but just say something!! She had already. She had said it. She said it, Spade. Shit.

He gave up and slug trails lined his face, flickering in the passing lights of solitary cars. "wondering if that would finally be the winter that my body stopped struggling...” Didn't she have to wonder anymore? He wondered everyday. And he wondered how she had survived after that... She did; she was alive. She never looked healthier. Spade thought she was hiding it better now...that after he told her, she was trying to keep it from him. She was doing a good job. She was... Now she was talking about it again... it surprised him. His open door was mashed shut and her's was no longer locked; it was creaking open, shedding light that made him dizzy. He tilted his head in a struggled display of his emotion and then slammed his fist into the dashboard, turning his body completely without registering any of the pain that lodged itself deep into the back of his mind, buzzing loudly over the roar of his frustrated thoughts. "And what about now, huh!? Have you stopped struggling? Don't we all struggle? That's what livin's about goddammit. It's fucking freezing outside. I don't hear you coughing!! You're..." his voice faded in volume, losing it's anger subtly, "hiding it better now..." He coughed himself and twisted his busted arm around his ribs in pain. Raising his voice again, he turned away to the free-flowing air. He wasn't wearing his seat belt anyway. "So why are you telling me this? I don't...I don't want to hear about how you were going to die or when you're going to die or even...that you'll die, Shula. I...I want to hear about how you're going to live. If I jumped out of this car right now, what would you do? What would you do!?" He panted, both hands gripping the side of the car like he was going to jump out. It would fucking hurt, but he'd do it to prove a point. That's...what her words felt like. It was worse than anything anyone had ever said to him. Even when Shirley pulled the trigger...that pain healed. This, he would remember forever. "I remember staring out my window at the village's graveyard and wondering if that would finally be the winter that my body stopped struggling...” NO. His entire being rejected it. HE REJECTED IT.

"I..." he was silent for a second before he let go of the car and fell back into the seat, wondering if he could have really done it just to prove a point--just to prove how he felt. ...Yeah, he could of. "Fuck that, Shu. Fuck it. That... Don't say that... How..." He was done.

[Shula Brighton]

Anger was such a strange emotion, and even though ti was the same, everyone seemed to react to it differently. When Shula had bust with that small hint of anger and snapped at her own soldiers to defend her sanity, she had immediately regretted raising her voice. Anger wasn't becoming of her. Spade was another person she had always felt anger wouldn't suit; he was too mellow and laid back about everything. Almost nothing was too serious. A smirk could always be inserted. He could always find a way out or on top. So when Spade's clenched fist smacked against the dash of his beloved car, Shula jumped with a small gasp. His whole body twisted to face her, and for the first time, anger was a visible emotion in Spade. She'd never seen that before. It burned in his voice and was so honestly clear in his face and those sparkling green eyes that Shula hadn't needed to glance to see it; she could feel it, hot against the fall chill.

"And what about now, huh!? Have you stopped struggling? Don't we all struggle? That's what livin's about goddammit. It's fucking freezing outside. I don't hear you coughing!! You're... hiding it better now..." Shula winced instinctively, recoiling from the sudden burst of anger from the last person in the world she'd ever wanted to make angry. The Womanizer Mobile slowed slightly; she could drive, yes, but driving under pressure was something Wallace hadn't taught her. And Spade's emotions seemed to be coming out like the wave that threatened to drown them all in Moscow. Shula, for the moment, was silent, suddenly regretting saying anything at all. I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, Spade...! Suddenly his body turned again, this time away from her, both hands gripping the side of the car. "So why are you telling me this? I don't...I don't want to hear about how you were going to die or when you're going to die or even...that you'll die, Shula. I...I want to hear about how you're going to live. If I jumped out of this car right now, what would you do? What would you do!?"

Red eyes widened in sudden fear. What the fuck?! The car slowed even more, pulling into the emergency shoulder as fast as she dared. Shula's right hand reached out faster than she could respond, gripping the back of Spade's shirt and twisting around in it tightly; he wouldn't be able to jump without either losing his clothes first or taking her with him. The car finally came to a hard halt, Shula jerking Spade back. She'd already lost too many people she loved in a month; that was a line you didn't cross with her. Not before, and especially not now. Large, frustrated tears welled in the corners of her narrowed eyes but didn't fall, clinging in defiance. ”Don't you fucking DARE, Sakuya Aeries! You know damn well that I would follow you and beat you to Erishkigal and be waiting with your spiked coffee!”

Spade had slumped back into his seat, and Shula withdrew her hand, glaring at her beloved boss slightly. He sighed out, his anger seeming to be diminished for now. Fast, unexpected, hot... and then gone. Just like that. Like a match in the dark. One little spark and some friction to ignite, a sudden burst of heat and light that consumed the wood... and then within seconds dying into nothingness, leaving only a burnt bit of wood. "I... Fuck that, Shu. Fuck it. That... Don't say that... How..." The idle engine rumbled and purred as though waiting for her to give an answer that would satisfy the only one who had the right to be driving her. Shula inhaled and sighed heavily, her frustration going with that breath.

”Spade... I'm alive now. I've stopped struggling because I don't have to now, Spade. It doesn't hurt anymore.” Her voice had gentled completely even though it still held its firmness. Shula turned to Spade, making sure her eyes never left his. He needed to hear this; she needed to be honest with him, even if he didn't fully understand why or want to hear it. She needed to. ”I told you I would fight to keep living as long as you did. You were going to leave that hospital and live, so I decided I would, too. Spade... I spent.. EVERY day of my life growing up, caged in a box for my own good. I wasn't allowed near the world for fear that it would kill me faster, because every day that I was alive was another day struggling and another day closer to the day I would die.” She smiled faintly, reaching her hand out to cup Spade's cheek and held it there, her hand warm against his skin. ”But that's all just a ghost in the past, now. It can't hurt me anymore. The memories are still there, and the scars are still there. But they can't hurt me anymore-- I will never be sick again.” She couldn't tell him how. She knew better. But that was the truth; her illness would always be in the back of her mind as something that hurt her before, but couldn't touch her again. Just like Shirley had nearly killed him before, but was now nothing more than a folded photograph, now lodged between lint balls in a girl's pocket.

[Spade Aeries]

"Don't you fucking DARE, Sakuya Aeries!" He winced, his entire body focusing on the single feeling of her hand at his back--boney knuckles fisted in his red dress shirt, wrinkling it without care. Slowly, his eyes moved back to her, dragging across the scenery that was no longer moving. Since when had she stopped the car? He hadn't noticed. For once, his observation skills had failed him ultimately. If he jumped out now, all it would prove was his idiocy. That clear thought burned, singing his mind like a million blackened arms reaching skyward to no avail, falling away to dust at the slightest breeze. Spade's entire body went slack and he felt the inklings of pain trickle into his mind, sticky like sap that won't wash off no matter how much soap you use. The images of war stuck, the scars stuck, the pain just kept coming. Bring it. BRING IT. His eyes turned fierce and he looked directly at Shula with a dark expression that avidly declared his resolve. Go on, break me.

"It doesn't hurt anymore.” ...Wh-what? He wasn't expecting that. He...he thought she was going to--to...not that. His face wiped clean like a canvas painted white, leaking past colors through only briefly. It...didn't hurt anymore? She was okay? Did that mean...she was cured? WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL HIM!? Did she...have any idea how much he worried--how much he thought of her? He constantly wondered if one day his phone would ring with some unfamiliar person on the other line...and that they would tell him...she had died in some unexpected way alone in a hospital far away. He didn't want that, so he worried. He worried, but now...he listened. Spade listened to every word that came out of her mouth. As he sat there next to her, his hair tousled all over the place, he looked her straight in the eyes and listened to the full extent of his ears. She told him... again the same story, but a generalized version. This time, it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt him because now he knew...that it no longer hurt her. It...no longer hurt either of them. He took a deep breath, trying to stay focused, but it didn't seem to be working. Nothing with him was working right. All that suffering...was just gone. Just like that. Gone. He felt empty and meaningless. Did...did that mean that he didn't have to worry about her anymore? Did she no longer need him then? What...did that mean exactly? His mind felt like an egg yoke that no longer held together, lost among the egg white goo. HE WAS FUCKING GOO. That's what women did to men. Too bad his parents never taught him that shit; they were too busy caring about Saeji's ass. Spoiled brat. "I will never be sick again.”

"Never?" Spade blurted out without thinking, averting his eyes quickly. "Why did you stop the car...did you want me to drive or something? I...I'm sorry; I'm just tired. I didn't mean to--to, you know..." He expelled a frustrated sigh, ignoring his ribs and reached out to touch her hand on his cheek. I just care about you...that's why.

[Shula Brighton]

Deep jade green had become a sharpened blade, ready to defend the man who had just come back from war, even against a woman much smaller than he was. Shula wasn't a fighter by nature, but they both knew she could defend herself and others quite well, and when she needed to stand her ground she would lock horns and hold out just as long as the other person could. Her voice did not raise, though, and what she had told Spade was not meant to hurt him. And she knew he saw that as his expression and defenses dropped, the man now sitting still and listening carefully to what she had to say. Spade was quiet again and seemed to deflate slightly, lost in thought and confusion. But it was confusing; she was being honest, but there were still holes in her story that she couldn't fill in yet. He would have to stay confused a little longer and she would hope he would forgive her for her sins later. I know you hate knowing the truths about me, Spade. They hurt, I know they do. But someday if I tell you the whole story, will you still love me? Or will telling you make me just as evil as Shirley? If I get out of this whole thing alive and don't need help, should I even tell you?

The anger had diffused completely as Spade sighed out deeply, looking now very tired and in need of some dinner and a solid night's sleep in a bed that neither smelled like hospitals or base. My bed's huge... He can have my bed tonight and I'll crash on the sofa. He needs the leg room. Shula breathed out, more relieved than she would let on that she was able to correct her mistake and keep Spade from doing something stupid. Really, such a drama queen sometimes; what was she going to DO with him?How the hell would anything get done in Central ever again without her to keep an eye on Spade, unless Spade's underlings started forwarding the extra work to her to do from a distance. No, no. They wouldn't do THAT to her. Then she'd know she actually died in Drachma and was in Hell, condemned to an eternity of paperwork for two bases.

”Never?” Shula's smile warmed for the first time in what felt like forever. Her heart was still grieving; her body was still hurting; her mind was still reeling; and her soul still felt very, very fractured. But knowing she'd gotten through to Spade... helped. Them both. Even if just a little. "Why did you stop the car...did you want me to drive or something? I...I'm sorry; I'm just tired. I didn't mean to--to, you know..." She let out another little breath, closing her eyes for a moment as her thumb caressed the top of his cheek under his eye. His hand held hers there for a moment, and she realized just how tired she was, too.

”I know, Spade... It's okay. I didn't think I could multitask so well, so stopping seemed the better choice. But I wanted to let you know that it would be okay, now. I am alive and who I am today because of you.” Shula's smile held even though her eyes were slightly glassy, mostly leftover from the angry tears that had tried to spill moments ago, now cooled completely and replaced by those of genuine, gentle affection. Her hand moved from Spade's cheek to the back of his neck, pulling his head closer to hers as she sat forward, pressing her forehead to his. It was an Ishvallan gesture, typically, but very affectionate and deeply meant. ”I can never thank you enough, Spade... In the short time that I've been out in the world, I have seen and felt so much. I can honestly say that you are one of the best that's ever happened to me." She closed her eyes, her hand lingering and trying not to tangle in his messy hair on the back of his neck, forehead still pressed to his as she shared his air for a long moment, content, and for just a moment able to let go of how much it hurt.

Slowly, gently, Shula pulled away and pushed the button to put the car's top up; it was getting too cold. Her hand moved carefully, letting herself sink back into driving-calm, about to put the car back from park to drive to finish the ride back to South. "We'll be home soon... I'll make us some dinner so we don't have to go anywhere else tonight."

[Spade Aeries]

People effected other people, he knew--he knew because he suffered from it. He had to wonder how many times a day he thought of the past and the people he lost--their effect on him. Sometimes the scar on his back ached, telling him to be careful of every single action he made because people could so easily kill other people, could make them sad--could make them cry...could make them break. How many times...had his soul been broken and repaired? Sometimes a little spit did the job, but like shattered glass, somethings never went back to they way they were before. Squinting through the cracks, he could just barely make out the expression on Shula's face. He saw her...as if seeing anything else in this life no longer mattered. If a blind person suddenly regained sight, it was in this way that Spade looked at her. "I am alive and who I am today is because of you." Because of him? His grip on the seat under him tightened, creating creases in the leather. He had meaning in this life...purpose? Just for her...just for her I can do this... But... His nails trailed along the material and stopped at his black pants, nipping at the seams. He didn't deserve to be needed. It was okay for him--for Spade Aeries to just...disappear.

"I can honestly say that you are one of the best that's ever happened to me." His breath caught and tears spilled out from crevices of his soul, holding tight to the throbbing heart in his throat. Swallowing a flood was not possible. He tried to look away, but their foreheads were pressed together, her eyes closed. Spade barely breathed, afraid that if he returned back to the land of the living, that he would find this all was a dream. Before he could react, Shu inched away from him, leaving everything cold. He was blind again, robbed--empty like a trash can rolled up the driveway and left for no reason but out of habit. Her hand was on the clutch, ready to shift, ready to leave the words behind. If he didn't say anything now, what would become of him? If he just sat there in silence, would that be okay? Could he accept that? Could he just nod to her offer of cooking dinner and not even consider what his hands were already doing? No, no he knew it was too late. "There--there's someone I can't let go of...in both the past and the present." He had said that. The words...came back to him now as he cupped her cheeks, as the adamant reply sounded through the icy cold of a dying autumn day.

"Stop." He pulled her back to him, his eyes alight with something he didn't understand. It screamed for him to act--it demanded his full attention, and...it was unlike anything that he had ever done before. He thrust his lips against hers and didn't let go. She didn't have a choice; she didn't have an escape. Spade locked them together and broke into her mouth, exhaling words he could never say again--didn't need to say again. She already knew. He already knew. His eyes no longer saw...anything at all. His hands drifted to her shoulders and slowly became loose, he stopped holding her in place and felt the connection start to break, wishing that he could dream just a little longer...before sunrise.

[Shula Brighton]

Warm breath mingled amidst chilly autumn air, joined as one before evaporating around them as Shula pulled away from Spade, ready to resume driving off. Thin fingers pushed the button to bring the fabric and plastic roof over them, closing them into the same space and trapping some of the warmth in. Just because she'd never get sick again didn't mean she liked the cold any better and wanted to freeze, and even South got a little chilly. Her body was straightening out and her hand was on the gearshift. She'd said her piece completely; she'd finally come clean about being cured and that he didn't have to worry for her anymore. Things would be okay soon, even if they were still bleak. Eventually, she'd be free and her life would be her own again, she'd no longer be a danger to Spade or anyone else, and he finally understood that she'd chosen to live because he'd helped her want that. It was a shame almost that the Canterham was the kind of car that sacrificed all kibble and features in the name of speed; it made her wonder if they'd finish the ride home in a comfortable silence. Spade knew more about her than he did before, and he'd given the ghost that haunted his soul to her so that he could have peace.

Warm, slightly calloused hands moved and caught both her cheeks, forcing Shula to turn back around slightly. ”Stop.” She was about to ask what he needed; had Spade changed his mind about driving and need that comfort zone returned to him? Was he going to ask her anything about when she'd been cured, or how? Was he going to rush his face against hers, forcing their breath to join once again and pin her in an inescapable kiss? The latter was what ended up being the case, but caught her by complete surprise. Red eyes closed, her body giving in. The faintest confused whimper escaped Shula's mouth as she was held there by his hands and his mouth, lips moving against her own. Caught somewhere between spellbound and stunned, Shula's mouth opened to breathe out. It might have tried to be a word of protest; it might have wanted to ask him to explain himself. But whatever words that breathy sound in Shula's mouth might have been melted as Spade breathed life into her, letting her drink down each word of his heartbeat as her own mouth began to move with his.

”I love you more than those one night stands, Shu.” Those words dripped down through her memory like water droplets through a pebble filter, draining from some reservoir deep in her mind from what felt like so long ago. The way he'd held her and let her listen to his heartbeat to comfort her; how he'd held her in the hospital and said that he couldn't kill himself because of her; the feeling of him holding her so tightly to his chest and taking shuddering breaths as she heard him struggle not to cry as he promised he'd show her what life was all about. So long ago things had been so different, and when those words pressed into her mind, she'd concluded that surely they were only meant to give her strength as she prepared for death. But as he held her there now... now she wasn't so sure.

Slowly Spade's hands released her cheeks and fell to her shoulders, loosening from her as their mouths parted. Shula couldn't hide that she was shaking slightly as she opened her eyes again, not pulling far away from Spade but feeling rather vulnerable. Her cheeks flushed darkly in the late afternoon light, the Ishvallan looking something like a rabbit in headlights, unsure of what to say or do or even feel as her mind raced and heart pounded in her ears. What did people normally say? ”Thank you, that was my first kiss,” didn't sound anywhere near right, even if it was a fact. Shula hesitated a moment before leaning up, pressing a soft kiss in return to Spade's lips. Her own kiss was so unlike his. Hesitant and a little uncertain, yet soft, tremulous and tender. Chaste. Innocent. Just as his kiss flooded her with unspoken words that were hard as lightning and told her how he'd felt, hers was soft as candlelight to tell him what he'd taken and what she'd shyly given.

Deep mahogany eyes shot down and focused on her own lap, letting out a trembling breath. Her mind was racing. Thoughts of the comatose man she'd been saving her kiss for tugged at her mind and pricking it with guilt. Thoughts of the words whispered into her mouth made her heart race and her stomach knot and feel weightless all at once. Conflicted as her feelings were, the girl could not fight the heat that clung to her cheeks as her eyes squeezed shut, nor the shy smile that bloomed in the corners of her mouth and begged for her to let it open more fully. Finally her voice came back to her, her hand leaving the clutch to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. ”Maybe.... M-Maybe you should drive...” Last thing they needed was her to crash because she was distracted from her heart going as fast as the car, her mind lost in a haze of thoughts and feelings.

[Spade Aeries]

What...had he done? "Okay, I'll drive." They switched seats mindlessly, numbly. Spade hardly knew what was happening as his body expertly maneuvered the Womanizer Mobile into high gear, leaving behind nothing but invisible wind. His palms were sweaty, his heart racing just as quick as the tires spun against the useless yellow lines. No cars, nothing. Alone--alone in the seat with someone beside him. For once, someone was beside him. What...had he done? That single, simple action had broken the spell. He woke up. The dream was over. Hello Spade, this was reality. Do you remember the slick lather of blood falling between your fingertips--the breathy whisper just before her eyes closed forever? This was a place where actions effected people--real people. Oh shit. His head spun, his vision blurred, the car listed to the side. He shook his head and the green roar settled back into pitch, righting itself. Spade took a deep breath. Focus. Focus. He had to get them home. Home? Home... South City...? When had he ever thought of South City as anything other than a place on a map? He was born there, but it wasn't like he ever lived there. He lived in Creta--went to college there. That was more home than South City. But maybe...maybe it was home because...because Shu was the one that was beside him.

Catching up...Catching up now, he let a hand fall from the steering wheel and carefully find the seat next to him. Couldn't tear his eyes away from the road--the distance--the way to home. He felt instead, with those fingers that endlessly cradled her head and wiped her tears away. Finding her hand, he placed his over hers, lightly, carefully as if he were touching an ice sculpture. Melting--it would be so easy to melt the fine lines built up by the two of them over time. Dodging feelings--meeting halfway at a prison gate only to smile at each other through the towering bars, no longer there. There. They were just there. Nothing else. His fingers wrapped around hers, face nearly emotionless, piercing green eyes forward--always forward. Silence...so quiet he could hear her breathing--hear her thoughts. That last kiss was not his; it was hers. Shula Brighton has kissed Spade Aeries. And he was having trouble believing it. Was...this what he had been hiding from himself through those bars all along? Alisa...he had said those things to her... He meant them. He didn't deserve her love--didn't deserve anything because death followed him. It had nearly killed Shu. It was...it... He couldn't... He just couldn't. But what...had he done? Shit. DAMN IT ALL. The engine roared, his hand was in Shu's, the world was ending.

Spade's world.

Sweet whispers of lips wisped back into his mind, caressing, enfolding him over and over again until nothing was left. Refusal... running away...it wasn't happening. Spade...Spade wasn't capable. He couldn't do it. Saying no to Shu--saying no to himself, he couldn't do it anymore. After all this time... No...but why? All those years spent in solitude... Was it really time to let her go? Had he suffered enough? Shirrrrley?! Answer me goddammit! Quiet was the dead. But the gunshot was loud, echoing in his head even now, plaguing, plaguing...never to leave him. Never...to leave him, just like--like Shula's kiss. Oh for fuck's sake. This... For Alisa he--he had resolved himself to safely stay with her, loveless or not. Was it too late to love her, he had said. In a war zone, in front of Shu. He said that! Right out of his own mouth. He. Said. It. So why. Why now... He didn't deserve it, right?! This, he didn't deserve this, right?! RIGHT?! What the fuck was he doing. Get a fucking grip. And not a fucking grip of Shu's hand. LET GO RIGHT NOW. Just grab the steering wheel. She won't even notice. Look, she's spacing out; she's not even paying attention to you as you have a mental breakdown. Just fucking do it, Aeries you fucking psychotic lovesick bastard. Just tell her you can't forget about Shirley. Tell her to give you back the fucking picture you've carried around for a lifetime and a half. It's not fucking hard, right? RIGHT!?

He couldn't do it.

[Sponsored content]