The Music Box Turns

[Anouk Ueda]

Dear Ryosuke,

I miss you, but I think you know that. It's hard starting over; losing you made me realize that in all my life I've never truly been alone and that unlike how I felt when I was a kid, being single is different than being alone. I had you and the kids, and everyone at the bar. I had my godparents, and your parents. I had my parents, and Ela. I wish you could have met Elastor, Ryo. He hasn't changed much since we were little, but at the same time, he has. He's grown up so much, and I know that he's the kind of man you'd want helping with our boys. And I know it's because of Ela that I've come back to being the kind of woman and mother they deserve, too. I still have a ways to go, and I doubt I'll fully ever return to what I was, but I'm getting there day by day.

Those first few months without you almost don't seem real anymore; they're more life the leftovers of some bad dream I can't wash off. Always hunting, never sleeping... I never knew I could be that feral. Guess I'm no good alone. And I'm sorry, Ryo. I'm not proud of what I had to do and be, and I know every night you were there watching as I trudged through hell, weren't you? But I finally heard you that night I finally got to bring the boys home. Thank you. When Elastor first found me and aske me to come stay with him, it was like we were two strangers, but I guess time and no contact will do that. What do you say after so many years of nothing? I kept telling him it was only until I was back on my feet, until after I got the kids back and that bastard was gone... But now that all those goals are met, I'm finding it harder and harder to find a reason to leave. It's like since we were both robbed of family we're making up for it now.

I haven't got enough paper to try and sum up my brother to you, Ryo. He really is wonderful, and I know my parents would have been proud of him. You miught not have liked how austere he is at first glance, but really, once he warms up he's a whole different person. He's good for the boys, though. You'd agree they need a man in their lives that isn't going to leave or hurt them, and help me show them how to live a good life. And the boys are good for him, too. Ela complains about the noise and the toys all over his livingroom in the apartment, and Kenta's love of Blue's Clues, but I watch them. I know how Kenta wakes up some nights and wanders into Ela's room to sleep; the first few times Ela waited until Kenta was asleep again before bringing him back out to the sofa bed with me and Kitaro, but Kenta would just wake back up and get back into Ela's bed with him... I think Ela's surrendered on that fight.

At first I wasn't sure how they'd take to Ela. You know Kitaro was shy of strangers until they became regulars. And especially after so many months away from me... But they love him, Ryosuke. I see Ela at two ages every time they're in the room together; remember how I told you all those little pouts and fits were Ela's to a T? But Kitaro goes to Ela/ He's still quiet and thoughtful, and his Cretan has gotten very good, as well as his problem-solving. Kitaro's become very protective of Kenta and won't let him out of his sight, even when someone's there with him. I know you'd be proud. He's so young and alredy sees himself as the one who has to take care of Kenta and I; I hate feeling like his childhood's been taken from him and that I can't get it back. But maybe since he runs to his uncle Ela when he has a problem, Ela can help him relax back into being a child. At the same time, Ela might relax and open up more because of Kitaro, too.

I wish you were here. Piotr helped me meet a friend of his who sold me an old building here in London on Blackstock Road. It's old and needs a lot of love, but King is a good man. He let me have the building, and said he'd even supply me with stock and not start charging me rent on it until the business gets going. Right now I've been in there every day, building and cleaning, repainting it all... You'd love it, Ryo. It's old and the neighbourhood seems a bit tired, but I have plans, Ryo. you know me. I always have a plan for how to bring in the customers. A lot of our friends from Vegas haven't contacted me, but I'll take what we had there and make it great here in London. I'm thinking of skipping a tacky karaoke machine and hiring live entertainment, and I'm adding a lot of your favourite snacks to be bar menu. I'll make this place shine, just for you.

The boys are already asleep on the pull-out bed in the livingroom, but I haven't bothered turning off Ninja Turtles. I'm waiting up for Ela to come home, and dinner's still warm in the stove. I'm still not sleeping like I used to, even with the pills and knowing we're safe now. Ela knows I don't sleep right anymore, but staying at the flat makes it a little easier, I think. I'm starting to think that eventually, I'll get there and start to resemble the woman you loved. But for you, and them, I will somehow find a way to return as I sleep every night next to our music box and hope that one day you'll forgive me for all I've done. Please know I love you, Ryosuke, and that no matter what, it's to you I'll always return.

Goodnight, Ryosuke. I love you.

~Nu-chan