The Angel's Compass

[Shula Brighton]

The little tin box that Shula had recovered from her ruined home was her salvation. The older senz coins that were almost pure silver that had stopped being minted over forty years ago meant good money, plus the little bit of cash she'd stashed in there. Passport, ID, birth certificate... but most importantly, her cell phone and a spare charged battery. When they'd rolled out and been called to go fight in South, the last thing she did before she locked the house was cram these important things into the rusty old cash box and shove it into the hole in her bathroom's wall. She'd discovered the spot months ago quite by mistake when she had knocked the tile loose and looked in and saw the cash box already there. It had been someone's time capsule from years ago, the photos inside yellowed and aged, names and dates on the backs of them mostly faded from time. She had kept the photos and precious pieces of time that had been locked away for her to find, carrying out the wish that they be treasured and not forgotten.

But now... Right now, the old tin box had been her lifeline back to the world that thought she was dead. Most of her home had collapsed, but the inner wall that had her master bathroom was still standing, and with help she'd been able to get the box out. Raistlin had said she would be watched closely, and that if she'd breathed one word of what had happened there would be consequences. He would kill her if she didn't cooperate; anyone she went to for help would die, and Shula didn't doubt that for a moment. But with so much of her resources gone, there was no way to get what she needed to save her own skin unless she came back from the dead. Even if I deserted and ran awy, where would I even go? I'd only be writing myself off to die without even trying to win my freedom... She looked down at her phone and squeezed it lightly. I'd never have the strength to go very far, and.. I promised. Back in the hospital. Acra didn't know she was dying. It was shitty of her, and was a real dick move, not telling her best friend she might never see him again. But... After she saw that look in Spade's eyes. That absolute hurt. The way he'd held her tight, like he'd never hug her again. And at that moment, that had been the truth of the matter.

Having to say goodbye, even without saying it directly or meaning to, hurting one of the closest friends she'd ever have... That look he'd given her spoke volumes. The fact that Spade had confessed to killing his former lover and telling her his real name to get them off his chest before she vanished from this world... It had been too much. Doing it to two people that meant the world to her in the same day would have been just as lethal as the doctor whose number she'd been given. Shula honestly regretted hurting Spade like that, and stared at her phone, praying that they both hadn't already dismissed her as a ghost of the past or never speak to her again after she came back t them. Would they forgive her for vanishing? What the hell could she even tell them? That she went to go find the vending machines and got lost for a few days? That surprise! They'd found a miracle donor and she was saved and discharged before anyone even knew what to say about it?

Mura had said he'd help make sure she wasn't fired, but that wouldn't make her having to hide the truth from him, Spade and Acra any easier. Shula almost didn't want to say anything and just take Murazar up on his offer to stay at the Ebon Citadel with he and the other mercenaries; coming back would upset the balance of things, wouldn't it? But then again, your whole life has been against the balance of nature. All the treatments, medicines... Everything to keep you alive. And now that Raistlin gave you new lungs and cured you, your very existance goes against God.. "I'm unclean," she murmured sadly to herself as she finally powered the phone on and started dialing the numers, not needing to go to her phone's contact list.

It rang twice. Four times. Clicked. "You've reached the voice mailbox of.. Major Acra Schiwatas. Please leave your message after the tone. When you are finished, hang up or press eight for more delivery options." -BOOP- She'd call back after she'd called Spade. Acra was either sleeping, working on his bracelet thihng, or dealing with his family. "Acra, it's Shu. Just wanted to let you know I'm here in Central still, and I'm fine. Sorry I didn't have my phone on me, I had to dig it out of my house. Call me back as soon as you can, okay? Stay safe." She let out a breath. Well... At least that was taken care of, and the answering machine didn't ask questions. Now came the harder call.

Shula didn't realize she'd been holding her breath, fidgeting or hoping that she got Spade's voicemail too until it dawned on her how many times she'd called her boss. Picking up things he'd forgotten to bring to work, helping arrange group dinners... Shula almost hung up until the ringing line clicked and she could hear the other end of the line."Spade? It.... I-It's... It's Shula." Terror seized her heart. She was being good, she wasn't saying anything. But if she was being watched, she could only hope that calling her boss wouldn't be what got her killed.

[Spade Aeries]

"No Robert, I'm not buying an insurance plan for my house." Spade didn't even have a house. He went to hang up, assuming that it was the annoying man that always called at the most inconvenient of times. And especially after he erased Alisa's memories. Robert probably thought Spade was an asshole. Spade was an asshole, but he could at least pretend he wasn't while on the phone with a telemarketer. His phone screen was busted and apparently only illuminated the options to press rather than showing the caller ID. He swiped the off button, but it obviously failed seeing as the piece of shit was busted to all hell. That's okay; he had wanted a Droid anyway.

"Spade? It.... I-It's... It's Shula." ...forty hours, 3 minutes, and--he looked at the time on his iPhone--twenty-three seconds. That was the amount of time he thought she had been dead after disappearing from the hospital, and well, disappearing in general. He couldn't breathe for a second, clutching his healing ribs with his other hand while the one holding the phone shook. Lose one, gain another. Maybe...Shula was right about equivalent exchange. He almost felt the tears spill over as he spared a glance back at Alisa who was a far distance away now. Shrugging off a shiver, he turned a corner, trying to get his heart to stop racing before he had a heart attack and died on the spot. Play it cool, Aeries. You can't freak out now. Don't scream. Don't be angry. Don't cry. God so many guidelines.

"Yo what's up? Did they renovate your house yet? Mine...is gone...along with a few other things." He took a breath, trying so hard to sound cheerful. But really he was just...so glad that she was still alive. He hid the relief, and hid pretty much everything else that had anything to do with how he felt. Just pure cheerfulness broke into his words, sounding foreign. He knew Shula would pick up on his unSpade-like behavior, but he had back up: if she asked, he'd ask. So that was why she wouldn't ask...and they could go on with a normal, unprobbing conversation. And that was all fine and dandy with him, but... it was off.

"Where are you? I'm coming now."

[Shula Brighton]

"Yo what's up? Did they renovate your house yet? Mine...is gone...along with a few other things." Her heart nearly stopped when Spade actually answered her; she didn't know why but she had been more than half-expecting he would hang up on her and washhis hands of her completely. She wouldn't have blamed him if he did. At the same time, however... Hearing his voice. He was somewhere and okay. Okay enough, at least. The tones and casual charms in his voice were more than evident and almost sounded forced. Shula's stomach sank. He was more than pissed at her, wasn't he? She had never wanted to make him angry, she had never wanted to hurt him at all. Her thoughts began to race as she tried to find words again, fighting the urge to simply end the call to avoid what she felt surely end up as just horrible.

Shula looked at the wreckage of her life scattered among the debris and at the pile of clothes and things she'd managed to save. Maybe she was just still in shock, but something in her doubted that the Shula Spade might have been hoping to hear from was the same one who was calling now. Was she like Sita, now? Though freed from the clutches of Ravana and still faithful to Rama, now someone to be doubted and rejected? Shula's hand moved across her bed, piled with clothes and books and let her fingers tangle in a black sari, the the ripples in the silk swallowing all light as though it were darkness itself. She swallowed, trying to force her voice steady and to return to her lest Spade think she vanished again or was calling from the afterlife.

"Yeah... Think I need to fire my housekeeper. Mine looks like a bomb hit it." She foreced a tiny, breathy laugh at her own terrible joke, honestly just trying to make light of the situation and keep the conversation away from where she'd been for the last three days. The last time she'd seen Spade she was being wheeled out of his room and promising not to close her eyes and to fight to keep living. And she'd done just that. Willingly walked into Hell, bargained with the Devil and walked back out just in hopes of staying a little bit longer. "Where are you? I'm coming now."

Her hand clutched the fabric tightly again, and for a moment she was tempted to tell Spade it was fine and he didn't need to come to her. They all needed to stay away. But if she told Spade that, she knew it wouldn't deter the man; knowing him it would just make him hurry that much more. Shula let out a soft breath, pooking around her and pulling the black sari closer to her as she sat on the side of the bed, stepping around where the metal had twisted. "I'm at home right now. I was picking through my things, but I can be somewhere else if you need."

[Spade Aeries]

"I heard bombs are on the rise these days," Spade laughed, his voice still sounding too dreary even for a rainy day on the beach. He let his arm fall from around his ribs and bit his lip to distract himself from the pain that came from jarring them when he fell before. "No, stay there," he said with a wispy voice as he continued down the alleyway shrouded in ruin. "My phone's busted so I can barely hear you--you're going to have to hang up first since none of my buttons work..." A pause. "I'll be there in a sec." A 'sec' by Spade definition most normally meant five minutes tops, but five minutes was still not a second as the abbreviation was defined as.

And as Spade half ran, half stumbled to the next street over, he found he wasn't so sure if he wanted to see Shula. What could have happened in those three days...? She was alive...she didn't sound in pain. She also wasn't in the hospital. So...what? He let the confusion wrap its grimy hands all over him until he felt so dirty that not even ten showers could wash it away. He wanted to tear out his own mind and yell at it until it stopped being so damn complicated. He almost... he almost wanted to erase his own memories. But he deserved this pain. He was meant to suffer his entire life for all those he had taken. And Spade would face it all head on...no matter how much it hurt. Sometimes he even found himself wondering how much was even left of his heart to give. Pretty soon he would just turn into an all-around asshole that he couldn't even hide from telemarketers. It scared him--it struck him with a world-rocking chill that made him stop a moment and pant against a crumbly brick wall. His own breath smashed into his arm, cheek pressed hard against it. Whywhywhywhy. Life was a bitch and all he could ask was why--to the point where he didn't even know what he wanted the answer to be. What was he even asking? Just why. Just why?! Why nothing--nothing else following. A blank space for anyone to fill in for him. Why everything.

He shut his eyes and knew that Shula was waiting for him. Even if she didn't want to see him either, she was going to wait there until he showed up in all his misery. Misery he wasn't so sure he could hide effectively anymore. There was just too much of it. Too many flashbacks... the hair distance between their fingertips. The sound of a gunshot. A lighter flicking to life that made him wish it was taking his memories with her. And Shula was alive. She was so alive that she was at her house waiting for him. He just had to remove himself from this wall and keep walking around the corner and she would be there. He felt his arm scrap against the rough texture of the brick, the hair on his arms tickling his face and making him want to cry--actually want to cry...like he was a four-year-old again and when his mother actually cared enough to tell him it would be alright. Because the world would go on with or without him and she would say that she wanted it to go on with him. But she was dead now--she had long found what she desired in her second son rather than her first. She had sent him away. And he has always felt that tinge of betrayal in his heart that he never would admit to himself. A lack of family. No one loved him. No one wanted him to go on with the world anymore.

But he would still go on.

And he didn't have a reason. Did he need one? Maybe it was because he was a coward and it seemed more painful to die in the gutter than to resign oneself to normal life. He wasn't sure. Spade didn't even know if it was worth thinking about because no one would even care in the end if he was with the world or not. Because the world was a big place. It didn't make a difference if he was included in the count or not. Or not or not... And the tears that stained his cheeks, he was sure that anyone could see--through the walls, through the trees, through the lives of everyone else that Spade Aeries was crying manly tears that encompassed his broken life. That he still wondered why he hadn't died. Because what reason remained to live? The enjoyment was washed gray, sprinkled in blood, and the screams of the lost.

Wiping at his face, emerald eyes turned to the sky that hadn't changed a bit. Even if they destroyed each other's lives, laughed, cried, the sky wouldn't compensate. It was the same, plain, irritating blue that you wanted to scream at. AT LEAST RAIN TO MATCH THE FUCKING SCENE! This wasn't the movies; it was real fucking life. Hello. Welcome to the world. Where shit doesn't happen for you. And you don't happen for shit.

Blond hair, white roots, red eyes. There she was. And here was the boss dragged in by the cat that barely wanted to hold such a prize in it's mouth because it was a prize with no worth. But that cat still gave it because that was its job. He raised a hand and made it over the shelves of tattered everythings to where she sat on the crooked bed. He stopped in front of her, looking at her as if she were a ghost. It oddly fit the scene. At least something did because the damn bright, blue sky sure as hell didn't. He found himself with the crooked trademark smile plastered onto his face as if it was laughable that he find a ghost here that was actually alive. His hand that he had waved with plopped onto her head. "You look better with roots."

[Shula Brighton]

If she had chosen that moment to run and vanish completely, would Spade have merely thought the phone call as imagined, or a ghost sending one last message before sinking down into the darkness forever? Or would he have persisted? Would he even have cared enough to? Shula bit her lip, pulling a knee up to her chest and hugging an arm around it. How would he ever tust her again? Red eyes closed tightly, thin tears moving past her eyelids and slipping down her face with a muffled sob. She couldn't stop the feelings running through her. She'd been alone and never been so terrified... And now that she was back she could only wonder if Spade really would reject her and then leave her alone.

"My phone's busted so I can barely hear you--you're going to have to hang up first since none of my buttons work... I'll be there in a sec." Shula didn't really say anything, just a quiet confirmative noise as she pulled the phone away from her ear. She stared at the end call button and the screen, not really wanting to push it and just listen as Spade made his way from wherever he was right then. Seemed strange, but the thought made her feel like as ong as there were some kind of connection, she would know it really was real. He was coming to find her amist the ruins of her life, to dismiss her, to forgive her, to ask her to help find his lost shaker of salt for all she knew. Hesitantly she pushed the button, severing the link and continued to stare at the screen sadly.

Hitting redial wouldn't do anything. Even if she did and they maaged to spark up some awkward and forced dialogue, what good would that do? He was still coming there and still may not forgive her. It didn't feel like the day should have been as pretty as it was. Well, pretty as far as the wather went. Warm, slightly breezy, perfectly lovely sky. I'm glad the sky is blue for someone out there, at least. She sniffled again and lifted her head to wipe her cheeks as Spade approached, not really seeing or hearing him until she realized he was staring at her. Her eyes widened, breath caught in her throat. She tired to look up to meet his eyes, but was struggling, looking more like a prodigal child waiting to be beaten.

Shula was uncharacteristically quiet, the rims of her eyes slightly puffy and pink as she slowly forced herself to look up at her beloved boss, his warm hand coming down and planting itself on top of her head. There was a chain around her heart now, and razor wire around her thoat; she could only wonder if one of the world's greatest detectives would choose to see it since they both knew she couldn't lie for shit. "You look better with roots." A faint smile forced its way to her lips. He wouldn't want to see. Eyes that had obviously been crying sat above her smile, silently screaming and begging and apologizing. "I was actually thinking about getting some colour-remover next time we're in civilization," the ghost replied, trying to smile as lightly and casually as she always had before. "Think it's about time I stopped trying so hard to be what I'm not." Her hand pulled away from the bed and raised up to touch the side of Spade's hand with the end of her fingertip, as though she were terrified he'd vanish then and there, or worse, withdraw his hand and heart completely from her as hers was no longer hers to offer.

[Spade Aeries]

Spade's smile turned tender in a heart beat. He hadn't even realized it before it was too late to remember all the pain loving another person brought. He let his hand fall to trace the tears that had fallen on her cheeks just moments ago. His smile vanished completely and was replaced with one of the most complicated looks he had shown anyone before. Serious jade eyes razed to life and he bent down, knees to the dusty floor boards. "You've been crying...so have I." He smiled again, resting weight on his toes inside of beaten dress shoes. It creaked. There was no escaping. It would chase them to the ends of the earth and beyond to the sky so blue. He cracked the knuckles of his other hand and took a deep breath laced with lack of painkillers. In a fluid movement too fast for his state of being, he stood up, head reeling, although he didn't let it show. Hand out. Taken. He helped her off the bed and turned to stare out the slanted window frame. "Think it's about time we start trying harder to be what we are." A cough. A wince. He blinked frantically to get rid of the black dots, like bugs crawling all over his eyes and feasting on the salt water like dehydrated sharks. They buzzed away, caking loud chimes into his ears, which too, tapered off into the dull seize of everyday sound.

He clutched the wall with white knuckles only briefly before turning his head back to attention. She stood next to him, looking like a deer unused to the rays of headlights that weren't even shining on her. Spade stared inquisitively, holding back the questions that hailed in his mind. To ask would be to be asked. But if he looked closer, he wouldn't need to put sound to the curiosity harbored there. She was breathing. In. Out. Like unwavering waves otherwise impossible for her whom had looked to have holes in her lungs. She was cured--somehow alive and not going anywhere. No need to lie--to pretend, but as to how... Spade had a feeling he would have to wait to interrogate it out of her if he even wanted to know. But he knew he did. Nothing came without a price. His eyes narrowed and scanned over the green school ring on a chain around her slender neck. New. He raised his eyes to meet hers again and turned to face the way he had come, not trying to touch anything but her hand. "Do you need me to carry anything? There's...no need to stay here anymore...right?" Unsure...the rhythms in his voice indicating clearly that he didn't know how to handle the situation in the least--that he was guessing on a whim how to hold himself. Spade wasn't Spade anymore--he was a man teetering on the edge of being broken...if he hadn't shattered at the bottom already. It seemed inevitable to him anyway. To her...well, that was another story for another time. A time when she asked... if she asked. And Spade was of the mind that hoped she didn't. Leave it be. Please. He couldn't take to voice it. That would be the final chink of his glass heart dripping off his sleeve.

The worn sleeve--his only remaining shirt. He took nothing from his own apartment. Was there anything? The last letter from Shirley under his bed... The stash of money in his top drawer. It seemed to have lost meaning somehow. It made him feel empty...having no use for material value anymore. What did that leave? He looked over his shoulder at the Ishvallan girl and shook brown curls from his eyes. Right. She was here. So that meant she was still with him--still apart of the faulty, messed up Central that was only that way because of him and his lax command. To say it... was strangely hard. He took a deep breath and stared straight into ruby of worth. High worth...only she would be aware of. "I was born in South City... Central Command is gathering there so...I..." he trailed off, lost for a moment. Even he couldn't tell where his mind faded away to. Wrapping an arm around his ribs, he forced out more words. "'m heading there now." Imply it; don't ask. Question marks glowed in his eyes, one foot out what was considered the door and the other waiting to see if she would still follow a leader that nearly killed her.

[Shula Brighton]

Warm, slightly calloused fingers left the top of shula's head and down her cheek, Spade's hand tracing the fresh tear stains on her skin. She knew he hated seeing girls cry, but putting on a happy face and pretending it was all okay was getting harder and harder anymore. She flinched slightly from the touch but stopped herself from moving away from him, her stomach knotting briefly. First she recoiled from Fox's comforts, now Spade's? You bastard! She held his gaze as Spade moved down to eye-level with her, kneeling on one of hte few cleared spots she'd made in the mess created by her upstairs coming down. For a moment Shula's breath held as he rose again, wondering if that was goodbye until his hand moved out to her in offering. He wasn't rejecting her. Eagerly and without hesitation Shula took the offered hand as he helped her to her feet. "Think it's about time we start trying harder to be what we are." Her eyes were still shining and wet, but Shula's smile warmed drastically as she squeezed Spade's hand, almost as though she were afraid to let go of it again.

She knew more now about who Spade was, and now she was free to return the gesture and open up more fully to the people she loved and trusted to be herself. Words from years ago echoed through her mind, the memory dusty from neglect until now. Back to her first few months in the military out of training and struggling to fit in at South and fighting to be accepted by everyone but the boy who had become her closest friend. How she'd cut off her long hair and dyed it, and began to try to dress and act differently to become what everyone else wanted her to be. “I know... But I can't let this go on, Gustav. They're rejecting me on the fact that I'm half Ishvallan and too traditional to be seen as one of them. Right now I'm just part of some integration program for all they care. So... I'll become more Amestrian, if that's what it takes. Then they'll see me as one of them, and eventually I'll be an equal.”
“Yeah... At the cost of yourself, though! You're sacrificing who and what you are for the approval of shallow idiots?” There was a small thunk as Shula bonked her forehead against the screen with a small groan. Dammit. When he was right he was right... Why'd he have to be right so often?
“Shallow idiots that we both have to salute and obey,” she grumbled as she finished buttoning her top. “So until then.... I guess it's a necessary sacrifice just to get a little closer.”

"Do you need me to carry anything? There's...no need to stay here anymore...right?" Shula's body turned slightly as she bent over, reaching for the small duffel she had packed, wincing slightly from the movements. Raistlin had mad sure her ribs would heal faster and dulled the pain a little, but they were still, in fact, cracked and the stitched areas still mending. She swallowed it fairly easily though, knowing she now had no room to complain about pain or hurting mentally or physically again. She grabbed the bag's olive straps and pulled them over her shoulders and onto her back, shaking her head at Spade who was carrying... nothing. Guess he's just going to start over wholly... I am too, but I'd rather not do that naked. And if I abandon my research I know I'll never have a chance of winning this. "Nah, I've got it, Boss. Central was never really home, anyway... HQ was, but Central itself..?"

Her hand returned to Spade's as though magnetized as she looked up at him. He wasn't himself right now, but was anyone? He looked distant and sad, and a little lost in this ruined world like they were both standing on the set of some post-apocalyptic movie where the special effects weren't as cool. Spade moved toward where her door and stoop had been, his eyes lingering on her. "I was born in South City... Central Command is gathering there so...I... I'm heading there now." he wasn't asking her to join him, not out loud anyway. But that look in his eyes... She'd already said goodbye to him once that week, and the look he'd given her nearly killed her. She'd never let herself say goodbye again. Shula took a step to leaving the destruction with Spade and suddenly paused as though she were remembering something important. "Wait... There's two things we can't leave without."

Her duffel had her clothes, the toy fox her papa had sent, books, research and a little money and food in it, but what she'd remembered were imporant but hadn't made it into the bag. Before Spade had come to find her, she didn't think she'd need them, and still didn't know if he'd want them. Well, one of them at least. She let go of Spade's hand, stepping quickly through the mess on one of the paths she'd worked to clear to a broken chest. She had been sifting and sorting all of her things as best she could, and had found her cache of pills from the kitchen, and the prayer rug she'd promised to Spade. She didn't think she'd need either and had initially planned to leave them for someone else, but... The bottle of hydrocodone was large and very full from her last visit to a clinic for the pain. The small rug was loosely folded and draped over her arm, bottle of pills in her hand until she took the liberty of shoving it ito Spade's nearest pocket. He needed them more than she did. Shula smiled gently as she took his hand once more; she would follow Spade to the ends of the earth and back, and if he asked her would willingly suffer through Raistlin's horrible lab repeatedly and wait there until he asked her to do otherwise.

"Small world... I was born there, too. Mission of Mercy Hospital on Fourth. I lived there until I was five, and then I was there all for training and stationed there until.. Well, you know." She took a deep breath, taking the first few steps that lead away from the ruins. That wasn't her home anymore, and never really had been; the girl who had lived there was gone now, too, and only a ghost that would haunt the back of her mind and hide in the shadows of the rubble. "I came really close to vanishing with everyone else..."

[Spade Aeries]

A question that wasn't a question and an answer that really wasn't an answer. He watched her duck back further into the debris and grab what he guessed were the two things she couldn't leave without. It made him feel emptier to be carrying nothing but loss and a cracked cellphone. But that was himself, and he had nothing more to bring. Spade was sure that the faded photos in his wrecked apartment would rather stay there than in his pocket. Something round and plastic was slid in that pocket instead and the man was jarred from his thoughts to find a bottle of strange-looking pills. "What are these?" He asked, shaking the bottle and looking at her inquisitively. He began popping two of the things into his mouth like ibuprofen and caught sight of the label on the side. Hydrocodone...? That was... What was it again? He took a breath and wracked his brain for forgotten information acquired through years on the force. ...it was something like Vicodin, right? Shit. This would be a joy ride. "Fuck. Maybe you should hold this...I have...an addictive streak." He already felt the drugs beginning to work their magic while exhibiting their curse.

He saw the prayer rug and smiled, vaguely remembering their conversation about it when they were both still in the hospital but a few days ago. It felt like years. He smiled, lips cracking, and he reached out to touched the soft thing. "Couldn't leave it behind, hm?" He laughed slightly, feeling the peelings of sorrow curl off like old paint. But his laughter vanished instantly when he heard her speak again while they climbed out of the destruction and back onto the pavement no longer even able to be called a street.

"I came really close to vanishing with everyone else..."

"But you didn't. And now, well... wait until you see it. It funny how fast alchemists work when they have nothing left," he tried to laugh again, forcing the mood to shake itself off like a dog in a thunderstorm. The sounds were dulled and hollow, but he knew that Shula would understand... She was the only one who could anymore.

They made their way slowly to the packed train station. Bodies were being hauled out of piles and shipped off to various places or whathaveyou. Spade didn't look long enough to find out. By the time they figured out what train to take, the Brigadier General was swaying on his feet and sweating. He wiped at his face and frowned, hating his own stupidity. Vicodin vs Spade Aeries...ultimate showdown. Spade bet on Vicodin...and he always won his bets. He leaned heavily against the wall until the train showed up, packed full of fleeing people that were spilling out into the undestroyed countrysides where there was still food...and booze. They got on the specified carriage for military personnel and Spade was so dizzy he had to sit down. "I hate this sit," he barely managed to push out.

[Shula Brighton]

Seeing Spade smile again... It felt like it had been so long, and made Shula's own sadness melt a little just to see it. The tough guy act at the hospital had been to try and make them both feel better but the smile in it was far from real, especially as the pain had reflected so deeply in his eyes. He was still trying to hold himself together, but maybe now that they were together again, things would become bearable. She smiled faintly as Spade touched the soft brown rug, the blue six-petal flowers connecting to each other and making invisble circles; straight down the middle they made a tree of life if you let your eyes blur to look past what was plainly there. Spade had said if she didn't hand it to him personally he didn't want it, so she would do just that. "You'll need it for your new office," she said softly, making sure her body stayed close to his. Without even considering what they were Spade had downed two of the Vicodin, and Shula knew how quickly they started to work. He could lean on her if he needed to and if his manly points would allow for it, and if push came to shove she'd try to tote the man piggy back, even though in all liklihood she'd just end up being squished.

She had hardly noticed when more sad memories tried to push past her lips. "But you didn't. And now, well... wait until you see it. It funny how fast alchemists work when they have nothing left. Shula caught the sound of Spade's laugh fading and sounding damp again. Crap. Right, no sad things. She gave Spade's hand an apologetic sqeeze and smiled up at him. Spade needs your happiness right now, not your ghosts. Her smile became warm and sincere, even though it still looked tired and not all the way there. "It'll be good to be home again. I know that once it's rebuilt South will be better than ever."

That was her hope, anyway. Things could be rebuilt, but the South she had known and loved was gone forever, as were the pople who made it what it was. All she or anyone could hope was that it would be remade with the new layout of the area and made into a place where people could come to take refuge as they started life over. And as they walked to the train Station, Shula tried to keep herself as upbeat as possible, keeping he gait even with Spade's as his double-dose of Vicodin worked its magic. She would do her best to keep the mood light as they made their way past miles of broken wasteland and swallowed their hearts at the wreckage and cries around them.

The trainstation was just as full as it had been a few days ago when she'd come here with Akiha, crammed with people dragging what was left of their lives to anywhere but where they were now. Human remains being shipped off to their failes elsewhere for burial, the living crammed into overfull cars and all shared the same lifeless expressions. As their train pulled up, Shula glanced up at Spade; he was working hard at holding up the wall just in case it wanted to break loose and run away and was sweating pretty heavily from it. Dummy. Do you always just pop random pills people give you? Maybe Spade was right and she should take them off him and just give them to him in the correct single doses. She kept at Spade's side as though attached to it, just in case, and let out a small relieved breath as he plopped into a seat on the military car.

"I hate this sit." His speech was slurring and his eyes were looking a bit dilated from the narcotics. Shula shook her head lightly, putting her duffel down at her feet as she stood next to where Spade sat, letting out a faint and rather amused laugh. "What am I going to do with you, Boss?" She knelt down, moving herself out of the way so everyone else could finish boarding and unzipped part of her bag. She knew the best ways to cope with the effects of the drugs from having to take them for years and pulled out a pair of granola bars. There hadn't been much left that was still safe to eat in her home's ruins, but she did have a few things that were sealed that she'd dug out, and the granola bars were the kind that were mostly nuts and grains with chewy bits of fruit. The chocolate on them just helped make them taste less healthy. Smiling, she closed the bag and stood back up, putting one in Spade's hand. "Eat something, Boss. You'll feel better."

[Spade Aeries]

He hadn't realized how intensely hungry he was until his jade eyes met with the granola bar wrapper. Carefully constructed to attract consumer's eyes with a luscious photo on a silver background, it made any hungry member of life foam at the mouth with desire. It was a perfect mixture of healthy and unhealthy--a gooey, chocolatey mishmash to satisfy the senses and leave a lasting taste of sweet yet flowery oats. His hand met with the lump in his pocket, fingers grasping around a cool, metal object. Other hand swooped into front pocket to clasp sweaty clutches around a thin, crumpled stick like a bird yanking a fish from the surface of redundant memory. It was pulled to his parted lips while the lighter scrapped flint for a flame. It sprung up, feasting on the air and eating into the cigarette in his mouth. He inhaled a deep breath and blew it upwards, wary of Shula and her lackluster for breathing in anything that wasn't pure oxygen. He removed it from his lips and held it to the side, realizing he didn't remember the last time he had eaten--realizing that the last time he had spoken about it was to Alisa...

The sound of his lighter lighting brought him slowly to the recent past and he was no longer sitting on a fleeing train. He looked back and wished again and again that he couldn't. He asked himself if maybe...he was torturing himself over it a little too much...but was there a too much? Did he really deserve this much self-bashing? He didn't know...he just didn't know--never knew and could ever know. His heart beat for nothing--he lived for no one. He was Spade Aeries the man that wanted to take the granola bar from his generous coworker and nothing more, nothing less. He had his likes and dislikes, and booze, gambling, and smoking were among the likes that were looked down on. However, his kid brother, Shula, and Apos (maybe) were people he could live without, but would prefer to live with. Two of which were...more or less unreachable whereas the other...was right there next to him handing him a granola bar that he was currently contemplating taking while smoking a cig and wishing he could forget that which he enjoyed torturing himself over. Spade took another drag and then took the granola bar, eating it in one bit and swallowing it whole. Damn. That hurt going down. So...that's why chewing was invented and why the goddamn name of the granola bar was called 'chewy'... That was weird.

He stared at the crevices in the floor tiles. Tiles on a train. Dirty, dashed with mud from anywhere. Boot prints from him. Foul city grime from one to the next and back again. These people were all going somewhere too, but they were alone.

"Thank you," Spade felt himself saying customarily whilst receiving something from someone else. He shed another strange, newly found smile that was somehow...musty...dank--something a sewer might be--a sewer smile. Down in the dumps...literally. He felt nothing really...just nothing at all. He realized he was staring and decided that blinking might be a good idea... He turned his head and crinkled the wrapper into his pocket, taking yet another drag. "It's still surprising that we were both born in the same place..." Where were you going with this? Shit. He flicked ash off the cancer stick and bit his lip for half a second. Okay let's bring it on. Focus focus focus focus! "At least I got a new rug for my office ...maybe I'll have to get you one for yours...that is if you accept the offer." PAUSE. Crooked, trademark smile ate away sewer smile and the traces of chocolate left over from the small morsel of deliciousness. He licked it off, and leaned forward, eyes full of light and anticipation. Right about now...she would be completely puzzled. So just wait...just wait! The smile turned into a smirk and he almost reached up to push his sunglasses up his nose that weren't there. "Shu, I selected you to be the new Head of South City. But that is only if you choose to take on such a grueling role... I'm sure you know. And I also want you to know that I'll always be around to help ya out. Like...anything... We've already faced hell; what could be worse?"

[Shula Brighton]

To say that Spade wolfed down the granola bar would have been grossly incorrect; Shula knew that dogs and wolves usually chewed the tougher stuff at least once before swallowing, and a Fruity Oaty Bar was definitely not something that should be swallowed whole. Shula sat next to her boss now, the bag of all she had left guarded tightly between her feet, though she doubted anyone on this car would try and take it from her; everyone seemed lost in their own hollow Hell and more interested in sleeping and getting as far away from Central as possible. That, and she was sitting next to the man who signed most of their paychecks. Shula nibbled at her own bar slowly, still struggling a little with eating regularly. Eating what Raistlin had fed her was more food downed in once sitting than she'd been able to keep down for several weeks; the fact that it was poisoned certainly didn't help her feel good about NOT throwing up. At least this food she knew was safe. It was hers, and selaed, and not anything she couldn't identify or made of squishy white chunks.

She glanced at Spade again then pulled hte wrapper off completely, tearing her bar in half and holding out the un-nibbled end to Spade in offering, ducking her head down and away as he puffed out smoke in a haze. Except that he was breathing in and out steadily and puffing slowly at that cig, Shu almost wondered if he'd totally spaced out. Then again, that does happen when you pop Vicodin like PEZ. Her body involuntarily twitched as the train moved along, the loud clacks of the wheels on the tracks making her alightly anxious every time one was slightly louder than the other. Get a freaking hold of yourself... You're safe and Spade isn't pushing you away... Shula let out a small sigh, still nibbling at her granola bar slowly as if she still wasn't sure she wanted to eat it even though she knew she needed to.

Shula was quiet as she sat by Spade's side and leaned sligthly against his arm, almost as though trying to hide herself from anyone who might see her and become part of the train. Really all she wanted to do was lock herself in a bathroom or closet and cry until her head stopped reeling, even though that wouldn't change anything. Part of her was still stunned Spade had asked her in his way to come with him, still stunned he'd forgiven her for vanishing, for dying and coming back... or at least forgiving her enough. Shula twitched again, not even realizing her body was doing it as she drowned in her own thoughts. Her eyes were empty like Spade's smile, even though she was trying to swallow it all down, wishing someone would just lie to her and tell her things were going to be okay. That somehow a stone would just fall into her lap and she'd hand it over next week and be free to live her life without fear of Raistlin killing her.

"It's still surprising that we were both born in the same place..." Spade's voice sounded as though it had to travel through water and darkness before it reached Shula's ears, even though he was still right beside her, the last few bites of her food forgotten in her hand. She looked up at him slowly, her eyes phasing as hollowness moved to awareness, and then to understanding as her brain forced itself back into fighting numbness. She nodded, taking another half-hearted nibble of her food. "Central is actually the farthest I've been from my homes, ever, since South was pretty evenly between Resembool and Meissan." She took another nibble, chewing slowly on an almond from the bar. Spade at least seemed pleased that he was being given the small hanging rug. Even if he wasn't Ishvallan or did any sort of devotional prayer (though Shula honestly did wonder that about her boss sometimes), it was at least a meaningful gesture. They could both start over and carry soemthing important from the lives they had before, someting that could remind them of better things in the world.

And then she blinked in confusion as Spade paused. Her office? Her office had always been a part of the department she worked in. She had her own little section and desk, but her little office connected to a wide room that had several small ones around it like a pod. That was pretty normal, though. But Colonel Pearlstein was dead now... Did he mean she'd be taking over the woman's duties? But that was hardly any different than what she did anyway... The look on Shula's face was one of genuine confusion, especially as that smile that was so dank was replaced by the one that she knew was really Spade's and that she'd come to love. That trademark lopsided grin. That usually meant he was up to som-

"Shu, I selected you to be the new Head of South City. But that is only if you choose to take on such a grueling role... I'm sure you know. And I also want you to know that I'll always be around to help ya out. Like...anything... We've already faced hell; what could be worse?" For the first time since her lung transplant, Shula sucked in a breath and coughed hard. She wasn't coughing from her lungs failing or breathing too deeply and pulling on the scars, but instead of choking slightly on the chunk of Fruity Oaty bar in her shock. Smooth move, Bright Eyes... Sell your soul to come back to life only to die at the mercy of health food. Her airways cleared as her eyes watered slightly. "W-What? Seriously?" Of course he was serious; why would he tease her about something like that. BUt surely he must have decided that before she went missing... Why would he have picked a dead woman to run a base. Shula took another breath in, looking pale, lost somewhwere between utterly shocked, terrified, and giddy at the idea of her fondest wish coming true.

Shula thought for a quick moment, trying to let it sink in through her head and stop telling herself no long enough to allow herself to say yes. Finally she let out a faint, playful laugh, her eyes finally warming and lighting back up. "Are you sure this isn't just to get me to do paperwork for two bases at the same time?" She let out another soft laugh, thrilled, terrified and trying to shy away all at once. "If you really think I could do it and not screw up too badly... Then I'd love to, Spade. ...Will you be okay without me if I stay in South?" Shula looked back up to Spade, letting wide red eyes hold his, her apprehension apparent as she wondered if Spade could hear the real question hiding between her words and her voice; "Will I be okay without you?"

[Spade Aeries]

"Maybe," Spade spoke seriously, closing his eyes and swaying a little as he chewed (this time) the offered half of Shu's granola bar. The taste was just so good right now and he couldn't figure out why. And he felt so good right now--like he could just go on like this and he would be fine. If everything just stayed like this and-- he slumped over and realized his head was in her lap and his feet were dangling uselessly off the side of the train seat. Ugh his head was spinning. Maybe it wasn't so right because the world was tilted on its side and the colors were all floating together... He stared at the fog his breath made on the metal rail people could hold while they stood. Lazy emerald eyes dragged in their sockets to stare at the girl whose lap he had somehow thought was a pillow for a second. The shock hit him kind of hard. "Shit. Sorry..." He went to get up, but life topsy-turvied and he found that he was right back where he started. "Goddammit"--a mutter of disgust at his own weakness, wedged with regret and tainted with rejection. "Mind if I...stay like this for a while? It's just I--" Should he even bother saying it?

Because honestly at this point wasn't it already obvious to her that he was beyond repair? He sucked in a deep breath and then let it out, feeling nothing but waves of melancholy. "--I'll come visit," he laughed slightly and shut his eyes again, "a lot, and... You can come visit me...whenever, got it?" He smiled and then let his lips fall back into a thin line, thinking back. The days before he knew Shula were rather lonely in the office. Most people liked him, but a lot complained that he was too lax with how he ran things. People milled about and people opened their mouths, but nothing ever came up until Shula walked into his office. It was only when the mountain of papers on his desk began to morph into small hills that he noticed that something was about to change. And it did slowly... Spade decided to mix work and fun. Well, he had always had beer on his desk next to his pen holder, but real serious mixture: jokes floated around the office, people started to smile and laugh, learn each other's names... It was the days when smiles hardly left the face. Especially when Spade had others doing the paperwork for him. The occasional disturbance came... like they always did. It wasn't until the Festival that things really turned to shit. But here they were...still alive, just barely breathing above the surface as they drowned in the wails of suffering. And what was it that makes a country fall? What government did they have, now that Hild was gone with all her sweet venom? Spade knew--oh yes he knew. Amestris was still here and still standing. People rejoiced life only to mourn the dead, the Amestrian race was half of what it once was and aid was flowing in from Xing--from his own kid brother. The brother that his parents had chosen over him to rule. Now they were ruling...somewhat in shambles. Military became government and weren't they always nearly one in the same?

He scratched his nose. "Rebuilding is one way towards getting stronger; sometimes you have to destroy something in order to fix it..." Realization hit him and his eyes opened, staring into red for a moment before the closed again. It was just too much work to keep them open. "That is what RIOTE is thinking...probably. I don't know, but...I was an investigator for a good many years." And probably should have stayed one... He sighed and folded his arms from the air conditioning cold. "Just thinking out loud. Wake me up when we get there, hm?"

[EXIT THREAD]

[Shula Brighton]

The blush that dusted Shula's cheeks when Spade's head found her lap was soft much softer than even she expected it would be given the slight infringement on personal space and how touching her was making her jump for now. But her heart reminded her head and body of where and who it was, prompting her to relax again as Spade tried to work around the dizziness and function enough to sit up on his own again. He'd eaten a little, at least, so at least he wasn't likely to throw the Vicodin up; pain meds on an empty stomach tasted awful coming back up. Well this was.... new. Spade had hugged her plenty of times, and sure they'd seen each other's homes before, but being pulled to his chest to hear his heartbeat had been the most intimate moment between them. She knew it wasn't romantic toward her, but it had meant something. It had meant a lot of somethings, and had been a lot of what helped her push herself to come back alive. He struggled for a minute or two before laying back down on her thigh, obviously frustrated at being there. Shula's hand moved to the tip of Spade's shoulder and gave a light squeeze. "Heh... It's fine, Spade. I know you won't hurt me. Of everyone in the world, I think I trust you most."

Her smile was gentle as she squeezed again, letting her hand rest above his rotator cuff. For all his playboy antics and reputation, she'd been one of the few he hadn't chased. When she'd first been assigned to Central after endless weeks of being bounced around, Shula wasn't sure she'd be able to manage; the hordes of paperwork showed that nobody had done a bit of it in months, and his reputation for chasing skirts had made her worry. At South they gave her hell and did all they could to either make her quit or make her miserable, and it had taken the whole time there to gain the modicrum of respect that she had; working somewhere that you stood a good chance of your ass getting pinched would have just done it for her. But it never went that way. For whatever reasons, Spade had never invaded her space, never intruded on her privacy or sent anything at her heavier than harmless flirting that couldn't be helped. And in that he'd become something so much more than just her boss, and helped her grow to something so much more than just a glorified secretary. They became the people they could drop their guard around, take off their masks and show themselves without fear of rejction or shame.

"--I'll come visit a lot, and... You can come visit me...whenever, got it?" Shula shifted slightly to get more comfortable, wondering if he was just that tired that she would be considered remotely comfy to curl up with. Raistlin had made it quite clear that she needed to bring her weight up in order to carry out his wishes, and in the hospital she knew that her bones sticking out in places had worried Acra and the staff. She let out a faint laugh. "You're number's on my speed dial, Boss. Right next to the cab company's." Ishvalla only knew how many times she'd had to call the latter on behalf of the former. She looked down as Spade went quet for a moment, and then began to let his mind empty outl one of the funnier effects of most pain meds.

""Rebuilding is one way towards getting stronger; sometimes you have to destroy something in order to fix it..." Shula nodded, that making more sense now than it ever had in her life. "That's true... Sometimes when something's broken we refuse to accept that it is until it can't be fixed anymore and has to be remade from scratch. People are the same... Sometimes we have to die and let ourselves be destroyed in order to come back strong enough to keep going." Spade pulled his arms together with a sigh, the car's A/C cranked up to freezing to combat how full of people all of them were. "Just thinking out loud. Wake me up when we get there, hm?"

"Sure thing, Boss." Spade was stressed and Shula knew it; she worried that he wouldn't be able to come back from whatever was eating at his mind the same way problems were eating at hers and everyone else's. But they would manage. And maybe with a little rest and time, they would be able to handle it. Thin tanned fingers moved from Spade's shoulder to his hair, stroking it lightly. Neither were ready to unload their minds and get everything out and into the open; Spade for whatever reasons he had, and Shula because their lives depended on it. And without booze, she could only think of a few ways to help Spade relax. She knew she wouldn't be; she could never sleep on the trains. And then something came to her; soft and half-forgotten, Shula's voice quiet as the words slipped past her lips, fngers still combing through soft brown hair.

"Time renews tomorrow when we've used today.
It will find the sorrow, and wash it all away.
Love can play a new tune on this carousel
It might be tomorrow, but only time will tell."

The song was ancient and little-known; something a survivng Ishvallan mother had begun to sing after the massacre a hundred years ago. That had changed so many things and affected so many people... It almost seemed like it wasn't so different from what was happening now.

"Somewhere in the darkness there must be a light,
Leading us together through the misty night.
And maybe in the new dawn we can break this spell.
It might be tomorrow, but only time will tell...

There can be a new dream; one for us to hold.
Wait with peace and hope, and it may finally hold.

No one has the answer to give away or sell.
It might be tomorrow...
But only time will tell..."

Have a good rest... Sakuya.

[End Topic]

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