I fucked up...

[Dai]

His feet rang out loud steps through the hallways. The redhead was sprinting; it was obvious that he was either running away from something, or towards something. He was moving rapidly through the halls of Briggs, trying to find something, but not sure what. People stood in front of him, trying to push him out of the way: Xan, Mura, Nika... But he didn't give them any heed. He could only push forwards, trying to move towards that feeling that he had pulling him along. He continued to run until he reached the cafeteria, busting through the double-doors and looking fervently around the room for it. But it wasn't there, or was it?

His eyes scanned the room briefly, wide and scared, before widening further. She was there, standing, holding Xan, before moving away from him and looking at him like a scared child. It was an expression that he only saw rarely, but would haunt him for the rest of his life. Those eyes. Those beautiful, golden eyes that no longer knew who he was. But... did he know either? Did he really know who he was anymore?

The lips of the redheaded woman opened briefly, and spoke words that shattered him inside.

"Please, don't lie to me..." Those eyes, that voice... He felt sick. Even though he was trying to pull away from Briggs. Even though he felt that if he was the only one who was blamed would make everything better for everyone else. But those eyes only added to his self-hatred. How could he make such a wonderful woman feel like that? He didn't deserve her. If he couldn't make her smile like that, he didn't deserve her. Maybe he should just leave... The redhead turned around, and started to walk away, away from Reila and through the door, placing his hand on the metallic portal and feeling the sudden cold embrace of steel through his chest, followed by the flowing of warm, fresh blood. His eyes widened and he looked down, seeing two sword blades emerging from his chest, dyed red from the blood in his body. He coughed, a small amount of blood coming up his throat and dropping on the frozen ground, the redhead looking around to see the source of the feeling.

He didn't need to look. The red hair, the golden eyes full of both hatred and sadness staring at him with tears lining the edges. He opened his mouth to try and speak, looking at her with a look of horror.

"Rei..." She cooed lightly and closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly.

"Don't worry, Dai," The voice was chilling to his dying mind, sending cold shivers down his already frozen spine. He couldn't move from the spot, he was rooted by fear and anguish, "You'll never have to lie to me. Your soul from out this shadow, that lies floating on the floor... It shall be lifted."

"...nevermore..."

"HAAAH!" His voice rang out in the room, and Dai sat up with a sudden feeling in his chest, looking down at the slim and barely covered torso with wonder. He reached with his human hand, tenderly feeling the skin and making sure that he was, indeed, still alive and together. That dream, it felt so vivid to him, it really did. He though that Reila had truly killed him for his betrayal. He wouldn't be surprised if she did. He partly wanted her to, to relieve him of this pain that he felt day in, day out, yet hid from everyone around him.

Maybe... I died inside already. He closed his eyes, and slumped back into his bed, heart beating that adrenalin around his body. He tried to will himself to fall asleep again, hoping that he could just sleep this away and not worry about it anymore when he woke up. But it was too late. Adrenalin coursed through his system and caused him to shake rapidly on the sheets. He wasn't cold. He was simply shivering. With a small sigh, Daigoro sat up once more and studied the dimly-lit room, before gazing at the red digits of the clock at his bedside.

"3am..." His voice was croaky and dry, and he'd lost all breath in his sudden return from the dead. He chuckled lightly, noticing the irony in that statement for the first time in his short life. With a small sigh, he slid off of the bed, bare feet landing without sound on the cool floor. The redhead yawned and stretched, looking around the room with a small smile on his face - he was too awake to go back to sleep, but it was too early in the morning for him to start wandering; the guards got iffy when he wandered around anywhere from 2 to 6 in the mornings. So he'd just sit on the bed, maybe wait out the adrenalin in his system. Maybe after a while he could eventually fall asleep once more. It could happen, but if the insomnia took effect, then he'd be up all morning.

His gaze turned to Murazar, and his eyes softened. That man, he loved Reila. He loved her enough to die for her, and Dai resented him for that. Not because Murazar loved Reila, no. He cared enough for Reila to be happy with just friendship. However... that man had almost died in the attack on West City. That man almost died... because of him. Dai's eyes started to tear up slightly, and he looked down to the floor with a bitter taste in his already-dry throat. He cursed himself, trying to rid himself of these thoughts, however they began to plague him once more. Even though Xanthus' talk had helped, he was only one part of the spectrum. If he didn't talk to Murazar and Reila, he would never be able to forgive himself. He himself knew this, because until they forgave him, then he'd always feel at fault. He'd always feel like Briggs was no longer a home to him.

Half-considering waking Murazar up, he decided against it, leaning back onto the wall that raised up next to his bed and yawning. He was tired, but he was pumped as well. If one was to use a term, it was that he was over-tired. His eyes went back to the clock, 3:15. Gah, this was painful. Here he was, with his feelings of regret and self-loathing. These feelings weren't ones that he wanted to feel. It was still the inception affecting his mind (not that he knew that), and he opened his dry and listless lips to speak, only saying it to himself.

"I... don't want to feel like this. This breaks the oath I made." His eyes lowered, and the tears began again, a single drop of liquid landing on his lap. "So why can't I help it? I love her... but I know that there's nothing from her anymore." He chuckled lightly and wiped his eyes. "Help me, someone... nevermore..."

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar froze as he continued to breath slowly as Dai had woken up and sat up in his bed. This man really had trouble sleeping didn't he? He was feeling exactly like he had for the past two years up until just a few months ago. He saw that look in his eyes and remembered his long winded talk on the stone. He could tell, he was pulling the same crap he had. Exactly same, just a different person feeling it. He heard Dai's voice again and decided to answer before sitting up slowly rubbing his eyes." Dai, why are you pulling the same thing I did for two years? You falling down the endless pit of despair and agony. You dont deserve that, so dont you dare put yourself through it."

He yawned for a moment before cutting it short and popping his neck. He took a deep breath in and out before opening his eyes and looking to Dai. His mind flashbacked to a short term of everything they had went through together and it played back many battles that he had been through for briggs. He spoke again crossing his legs together and stretching for a moment like a lazy cat. [colorgreen]" Pull yourself together enough to talk to me. You can't avoid it forever and run away. I know your thinking of escape whether its running off or killing yourself. Doing that will only hurt us all more, especially Rei-chan. Her mind is fragile after all, its selfish thinking. You'd only be thinking of yourself rather than anyone else. "[/color]

He sighed and scratched his head, he felt rather passionate about this and at the moment irritated with Dai. He hadn't quite escaped from his own problems, but at the least they were completely those anymore. He figured so long as he had Rei-chan he would stay and stay true to his empathetic self. However if she deserted, rid of, or attacked him with hate then he would call that empathetic self pathetic and ditch it in favor of a cold, rigid, hellish nightmare of a personality that he would take up to survive.

[Dai]

"Dai," A sudden and short breath was drawn into the mouth of the redhead as he turned to look at the source of the voice. So, Murazar was awake? That was both a blessing, and a curse. His eyes lowered slightly as he looked at the white-haired man with a worried and insincere smile.

"Why are you pulling the same thing I did for two years? You falling down the endless pit of despair and agony. You dont deserve that, so dont you dare put yourself through it." He twitched slightly, looking over the the side with downcast eyes and a downtrodden spirit. He'd been through hell a couple of times before, both for Reila. He'd spent an entire year, trying to be with her, keep her alive, but for what? He'd lost her; it was all a waste of effort now. He knew that he'd never be able to feel her love again, not like he had done before. It was almost as if... The redhead choked slightly on tears, trying not to let Murazar see them. He placed a hand onto his bedsheets and gripped them tightly, trying to rip them with a single hand, knowing that it wouldn't work.

"I... it's my fault, Mura. I didn't do anything right with this. I tried to be selfish, and I left. I left her here, when I should've just tried to have her fall for me again. I'm a fool. A pure and true fool." His voice had finally gained some strength, as the dryness in his throat left him. He was still feeling sick, tasting bile in his mouth, but he knew that it would pass with time. For now, the redhead could only listen and reply to Murazar's words.

"Pull yourself together enough to talk to me." Mura was caring with his words, at least in his own way. Dai could sense that from here, but he didn't know anymore. Was he together? What was 'together'? Would he ever be 'together'? He had no clue.

"You can't avoid it forever and run away. I know your thinking of escape whether its running off or killing yourself. Doing that will only hurt us all more, especially Rei-chan. Her mind is fragile after all, its selfish thinking. You'd only be thinking of yourself rather than anyone else." He... he wasn't...

"I wasn't going to run away..." His red eyes were steely in the night, and he watched the man that had finally sat up in his bed. What was it... Murazar commanded respect far more than this broken sob sitting across from him. Daigoro let a small sigh leave his throat, and spoke again.

"Selfishness is what got me into this, Murazar... I wanted her back for myself, and so I must be a selfish creature, mustn't I? I know that my selfishness would only hurt others, so I can't do anything like that. But I..." He scanned his mind for the rest of this statement, making sure that he picked his words carefully, "I don't know anymore. I wanted to take all of the pain and blame through Briggs and force it into myself. I thought that, maybe with all of that on my shoulders, I could possibly see the rest of Briggs smile. If Reila hated only me, then she wouldn't blame Xan or Nika for my foolishness, and they could live properly. But I can't bear that either... Does that make me weak?"

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar growled lightly, he was becoming slowly a bit more animalistic. Almost as if the early morning had shaken loose the monster that couldn’t lie inside of him. He responded to the phrase he wasn’t running away sharp as a dagger to the heart.” You are running away.” He pointed at Dai’s heart with a single index finger. The words and intent were obvious. Dai wasn’t physically running away, he was running away from what he felt. Instead of confronting it or dealing with it.

Murazar growled, he seemed greatly irritated by Daigoro but had an unusual persistence in answering him and continuing the conversation.” Ninte cuebiyar isain niende aes. De'en Ninte’ien alien es ga niende. Bah, I’m the only one living who understands this tongue. Your Heart is Lost to all. Find yourself before all is lost. Is what I said. You fall down the hole I was in for several years up until a few months ago. It’s my hole and I’m trying to fill it up with dirt. Don’t go throwing yourself down in it like a Bajad drovja. “

He shook his head and got up before stalking himself over to Dai and sitting down next to him while putting a hand on his shoulder before staring into his eyes. Mura’s eyes were an odd violet color that bespoke even through the machinery that now held there a haunted look. A look that spoke that he understood better than Dai ever had so far and was so destroyed and destroying himself he was only now pulling himself out of that hole.

”You are not a Mera'din you are my Gaidin. You are not Brotherless you have Battle Brothers beside you. Don’t you dare destroy yourself for little to no reason! My Gaidin Xan will be fine, he’s eternal remember? Plus Rei-chan doesn’t blame him whatsoever. Nika we need to find. If I remember right Nika isn’t here which means someone else has Nika and we need to find’em before something happens. “ He rapped Dai over the head once like you would do to a young and foolish boy.

[Dai]

”You are running away.” Was he? Maybe... maybe he was. The Alchemist blinked a couple of times, thinking it over but finding himself hit with this mental block each and every time. He scratched his head lightly, thinking this over further and trying to worm his way past this block. He could understand a few things that he knew to be true - he was in love with Reila, and that wouldn't change. Love... with Reila. Aha... The redhead's solemn face twitched to a slight smile. He knew the issue. He had known it before, but now... He opened his lips to say a few words, letting the shaking recede, however he was interrupted by Murazar's next statement, and tried to get his head around the mysterious language that he had just spoken.

”Ninte cuebiyar isain niende aes. De'en Ninte’ien alien es ga niende. Bah, I’m the only one living who understands this tongue. Your Heart is Lost to all. Find yourself before all is lost. Is what I said. You fall down the hole I was in for several years up until a few months ago. It’s my hole and I’m trying to fill it up with dirt. Don’t go throwing yourself down in it like a Bajad drovja.“ His eyes opened slightly. No. That statement was wrong. He knew that now, for a fact. Dai lowered his head and chuckled slightly, wondering if he should be so... impudent as to reveal this to Murazar. He nodded internally, and opened his mouth once more, speaking in a voice that was a mixture of annoyed and understanding.

"That's wrong. My heart isn't lost. It was never lost." He lowered his head a little and smiled at Mura. "Because right now, my heart is the only thing that can tell me the truth. You remember... you remember the battle. Where I fought you? I wouldn't have normally fought you, but they did something to my head. Planted the idea that Briggs was the enemy. I thought I broke it, and because of that, I no longer think of Briggs as the enemy. However, when I think about it, something tells me that I'm not Briggs. It's not my mind, because my mind told me that I'm Briggs. It's something BLOCKING my mind, I think... And like I said. He never got to my heart. So I can trust my heart over anything." Dai raised his head up to stare directly at Mura with a pair of eyes that were finally beginning to exude a mixture of confidence and understanding, and he watched the man move over to him.

”You are not a Mera'din you are my Gaidin. You are not Brotherless you have Battle Brothers beside you. Don’t you dare destroy yourself for little to no reason! My Gaidin Xan will be fine, he’s eternal remember? Plus Rei-chan doesn’t blame him whatsoever. Nika we need to find. If I remember right Nika isn’t here which means someone else has Nika and we need to find’em before something happens.“ He was right. Daigoro knew that he was right, because he was only thinking with his heart. If he thought about it with his mind, he would get mixed messages. But if he thought this through with his heart... The redhead climbed off of the bed, landing silently on the metallic floor, finally understanding, and looking truly like the confident man that he used to.

"Maybe... No, I need to get my head straight. Murazar, I need to make it so that I can't see any doubt in the feelings towards Briggs anymore. I think I know how to do it, and I think I need to talk to Reila." He nodded at Murazar, smiling softly. Xanthus and Murazar. They were both close friends of his. Brothers, almost. No, they WERE his brothers. He chuckled.

"But first, we need to work out where Nika is, Mura." He walked back to the bed and took a seat, thinking it through.

"If I didn't take him..." He sighed softly, but didn't regret it. He had no regrets. This was the only path. Nothing that he could do would change the past, so he could only change the future. And unbeknownst to Dai, if one was to look at the mental blocks within his mind as a wall, this wall was beginning to crumble.

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar nodded to Dai sighing lightly before he stood up. He spoke up again as if happy even just a slightest bit which was rare and unusual. Even out of character for him to be like that. ” Finally you got your ass in gear and moving instead of laying down like a deer waiting to die. Let me look for Nika with my sources and see if I can find’em. Talk to Rei-chan in the morning about whatever you have to. Although, just so you know. I’m not giving up on her, I’ve went too far giving everything I had about myself to duty, obligations, and honor with nothing left but death to await me. She’s the one shot at happiness I might have. I’m taking it without hesitation and with as much passion as I can throw into it.”

His eyes bespoke a fierceness that said more than his words ever would. He would fight tooth and nail to try and win Rei-chans love and acceptance as such. It was obviously the only road to joy he thought he had available, all others were closed. His eyes despite being mechanical were roaring like a wolf in the wilds that had lived without a pack and had brought down everything alone.

He sat back down as soon as Dai had and spoke up again as he crossed his legs.” Do you always have these sleeping problems? At the very least you don’t have that infernal stone in the damn room. A forewarning to you, if you ever hold that thing in front of me again I will either take it and commence mass destruction with insanity. Or just run away and be very hard to find before I starve to death. It causes insanity, none of you realize exactly what this damn Soul Stealing does to me. Only Xan does and he’s immortal and barely feels it anymore.”

He leaned against the wall and his hand automatically felt around next to him as if searching for something before he pulled his hand away and stared at it. He was a real alcoholic wasn’t he?

[Dai]

”Finally you got your ass in gear and moving instead of laying down like a deer waiting to die. Let me look for Nika with my sources and see if I can find’em. Talk to Rei-chan in the morning about whatever you have to. Although, just so you know. I’m not giving up on her, I’ve went too far giving everything I had about myself to duty, obligations, and honor with nothing left but death to await me. She’s the one shot at happiness I might have. I’m taking it without hesitation and with as much passion as I can throw into it.” He chuckled lightly.

"I've gone through too much, for too long, to lose her like this, mate." He smiled weakly, yet confidently at Murazar. "If I find that she no longer has any love for me, and that she won't take me back... then I think I'll be alright with you having her." He chuckled. "I never told you properly, did I? Why I left without telling you..." He smiled brightly at Murazar. "I trusted you to look after her for me. If I had told you, then you might've tried to stop me. I couldn't have that happen, so I left without telling you. That way... Reila wouldn't know either." His smile dropped, if only a little.

"Do you always have these sleeping problems?" He shook his head.

"Normally they're worse. I've had chronic insomnia for most of my life. Causes problems, y'know. But there have been times when my insomnia has given me moments that I can never replace. So I can live with it." He chuckled softly, listening further.

”At the very least you don’t have that infernal stone in the damn room. A forewarning to you, if you ever hold that thing in front of me again I will either take it and commence mass destruction with insanity. Or just run away and be very hard to find before I starve to death. It causes insanity, none of you realize exactly what this damn Soul Stealing does to me. Only Xan does and he’s immortal and barely feels it anymore.” He sighed softly, and scratched the back of his head.

"All that I really know is that I have a strange connection with Philosopher's Stones. Maybe it's spiritual? Psychic? I dunno. All I know is that I can hear them. They read my feelings. Speak to me. Give advice. Like a little conscience. That Stone helped me in the battle." He nodded, and then knelt down in front of the man with narrowed eyes.

"And I'll never understand it. How you could bring yourself to take the lives and souls of others for your power. Maybe I don't understand it because I can't comprehend it. In fact, I think that's the truth. Maybe my mind's just not geared towards the taking of souls. Maybe that's why... Stones do this to me..." He laughed again, and shook his head before standing up and turning around.

[Murazar Dauthi]

"I've gone through too much, for too long, to lose her like this, mate." He smiled weakly, yet confidently at Murazar. "If I find that she no longer has any love for me, and that she won't take me back... then I think I'll be alright with you having her." He chuckled. "I never told you properly, did I? Why I left without telling you..." He smiled brightly at Murazar. "I trusted you to look after her for me. If I had told you, then you might've tried to stop me. I couldn't have that happen, so I left without telling you. That way... Reila wouldn't know either."

Murazar sighed lightly the conversation was all over the place, but that was just fine. It was one of the only ways they communicated. Especially this late and tired, he responded." No you never did tell me properly, if you did I might have tried to stop you from doing something so foolish. Or I might have let you gone with a even more selfish hope that Rei-chan would have never remembered you." He paused and sighed again before leaning back up against the wall and continuing."But we can never know for sure how that day or night would have gone. Instead Rei-chan is damn near breaking herself from taking every betrayal from all her closest to heart too much without seeing the reasons why and never asking properly. I guess I just saw that and tried to fix it the best I could, I had always loved her I guess I just saw it as the only way to try and fix her a little bit."

He paused a moment before mumbling almost to himself, but to Dai as well. You couldn't whisper in a room as silent as the grave and small as a dorm room."I guess I thought if I could kill you back there before you reached Rei-chan. She wouldn't have to remember anything and break again. I guess I was trying to save her from both of yourselves." His mechanical eyes sadly could shed no more tears and despite his face obviously wanting to do such a thing he just shook off the dead action.

The his next question came along with its answer.
"Normally they're worse. I've had chronic insomnia for most of my life. Causes problems, y'know. But there have been times when my insomnia has given me moments that I can never replace. So I can live with it." Murazar nodded and spoke up just for a moment," Got mine recently, its all the damn screaming in my head. Can't get it out." He paused listening to the next answer and deciding to speak for once with his weakness out in the open like never before. Dai was one of the few priveledged to see a unarmored Murazar. After all Dai needed no protecting from Mura, he was the only one he could relax around.

"All that I really know is that I have a strange connection with Philosopher's Stones. Maybe it's spiritual? Psychic? I dunno. All I know is that I can hear them. They read my feelings. Speak to me. Give advice. Like a little conscience. That Stone helped me in the battle."

"And I'll never understand it. How you could bring yourself to take the lives and souls of others for your power. Maybe I don't understand it because I can't comprehend it. In fact, I think that's the truth. Maybe my mind's just not geared towards the taking of souls. Maybe that's why... Stones do this to me..."

He answered the statements and questions with a quiet virutuso." I do it to take the damned for my benefit and to give those who should die and believe only hell awaits them a paradise. Some wish for me to hold them until their body gets better before I return them. I have many reasons, this power isn't completely evil. Everything its about how you use it, I could use my fire to light people and burn them alive. Or I can light a campfire to cook some food. For souls its like holding them either in hell or purgatory. I can return them to whatever and whoever I wish and they could come alive. Or I can release their soul to whatever judgement awaits them." He paused momentarily before replying further, his false eyes staring through Dai's.

"I on the other hand, benefit from their knowledge and experience. I also experience hell on earth, the more negative I feel the greater the hell is. The more positive I feel the less hell I experience. With Rei-chan when we're both happy its almost non-existant i'd have to search for the feeling to find it. Otherwise the screaming in my head, that damn sword Gurthang speaking demonic advice, and the other...Side effects are what I deserve for all I've done. Its my own personal punishment you could say. A redemption to go until I die."

[Guest]

{BUMP}

[Dai]

" No you never did tell me properly, if you did I might have tried to stop you from doing something so foolish. Or I might have let you gone with a even more selfish hope that Rei-chan would have never remembered you. But we can never know for sure how that day or night would have gone. Instead Rei-chan is damn near breaking herself from taking every betrayal from all her closest to heart too much without seeing the reasons why and never asking properly. I guess I just saw that and tried to fix it the best I could, I had always loved her I guess I just saw it as the only way to try and fix her a little bit." Small tears welled up at the edges of his eyes. He was not saddened by Murazar's words, he was happy. Happy that he had such a great friend. One that was prepared to kill him when he strayed from his path, even if he didn't think it himself. So, he nodded, and turned towards Murazar with a great smile on his face, tears brimming at the edges of his eyes, and outstretched hands.

"Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Even if you wanted to kill me, I appreciate now... because I strayed from my path in my haste to bring her back to me." He nodded in a sage-like fashion, stepping backwards and placing his hands in his pockets and clenching a fist around the Stone and using his own Alchemic energies to drown out the screaming energy and ignore the voices that may or may not be leaving the Alchemic object.

I do it to take the damned for my benefit and to give those who should die and believe only hell awaits them a paradise. Some wish for me to hold them until their body gets better before I return them. I have many reasons, this power isn't completely evil. Everything its about how you use it, I could use my fire to light people and burn them alive. Or I can light a campfire to cook some food. For souls its like holding them either in hell or purgatory. I can return them to whatever and whoever I wish and they could come alive. Or I can release their soul to whatever judgement awaits them. I on the other hand, benefit from their knowledge and experience. I also experience hell on earth, the more negative I feel the greater the hell is. The more positive I feel the less hell I experience. With Rei-chan when we're both happy its almost non-existant i'd have to search for the feeling to find it. Otherwise the screaming in my head, that damn sword Gurthang speaking demonic advice, and the other...Side effects are what I deserve for all I've done. Its my own personal punishment you could say. A redemption to go until I die." He smiled softly. Murazar was using his happiness to continue soldiering on. Daigoro should take a leaf out of this man's book, because his powers... he raised a hand and looked at it with a small smile.

"Hum... My powers were never designed to kill. When I killed Zaska in the Battle for South City, it felt good, for some reason. I didn't want to like it, but it felt good... He died with my touch, and I can't help but remember it with some happiness. I hate it." He turned away slightly and looked back at the man. "You're not evil, Mura. There's no way that you could be. Everything you do has a good reason behind it, and I appreciate you and everything that you are, Mura." He gave a final smile, and then started to walk towards the door with an approving nod.

"I gotta walk around. Try get my head back in. I probably won't be back before morning, so don't mind me." He placed his hands into his pockets and slowly walked out of the door, heading into the corridors. He needed to speak to Xan, and Pride was always watching...

{Thread LEFT - Gone to Night-Time Wandering}

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